Biology Means Nothing

It was a Thursday, about 1pm, another sunny day, and the phone rang. I looked at the number staring at me on the screen. It said Wayne.

I answered it with a questioning, Hello?

I'm not sure why I answered like that when I knew perfectly who it was. I had his number saved, treasured, just as he had mine. I wonder if my number was saved to his phone or scribbled down on a piece of rogue paper floating atop a stack of papers on his desk.

I sensed on the first call that he was in his office with his door closed, perhaps leaning back on a leather swivel chair that his kids had once spun around and around and around in, as children would, like the chair that I now own, that was once Dad's office chair. It sits in my den, completely out of place, and rivaling Charity's chair. I call it Charity's because she loves it and nestles in it when she visits.

It's comforting to sit in, for reasons other than the obvious. It reminds me of Dad, of the way he would lean back with his fingers locked together over his chest, legs crossed, while telling one of his jokes. It reminds me of the way he would give me that same goofy grin, when I would roll my eyes, shaking my head, yet smiling. I miss his jokes now. I miss him and his advice, and dare I say, lack thereof.

I dropped the broom, and plopped down on the green couch. This couch has seen it all, and doesn't utter a word.

Hello Brooke. This is Wayne. Do you remember me? He said in a non threatening way, his voice so assuring though I sensed difficulty to follow.

Of course I do, Wayne. I called you first! Thank you for calling me back. How are you?

Well Brooke, I don't have good news. I really wish I did.

My heart dropped, and my breathing slowed. I knew what he was going to say, but I let him spit it out first.

When I spoke to my wife (Colette's older sister) about your call, she was very angry. She even mentioned the word harassment. She said that you had tried to contact Colette before, and that it was very upsetting to Colette, that she had been very worried about it. My wife mentioned taking legal action if you contacted her again. I'm so sorry Brooke.

Skipping through my mind were thoughts of desolation and anger. Who the hell does she think she is? What a bitch. Clearly, we are nothing alike- my aunt and I. I'm caring. She's obviously not.

My wife doesn't want to tell Colette that you reached out to me. She thinks it will bother her too much, that she is going through a lot right now. She doesn't think she could handle it. So she doesn't want to tell her that I spoke to you. I'm sorry Brooke. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. My wife was angry that the adoption agency helped you find her.

They didn't help me find her. I had search angels that did that. Did they not think that this day would ever come? 

Silence. On both ends.

Then came the water works. I let it all out.

It's harassment to want to know my birth mother? To want to know where I came from? I wrote to her, poured out my heart to her, and she never even had the common decency to respond. You mean she got my letters and just never responded? 

My mind was screaming, COWARD! Like a dog with her tail between her legs.

But you always feel sorry for that dog.  You don't know what that dog went through, Maybe she was beaten, neglected, unloved, left alone and hurt. The dog only bit in self defense for what the dog thought it needed to be defensive against. The dog had a lot of problems.

She could have at least just let me know that she wasn't interested instead of letting me think that she wasn't receiving my invitations. She was just leaving me with a sliver of hope. How could a mother be so cruel? I have a daughter, and I know what that love feels like, and I could never in a million years treat her like that. We must be VERY VERY different. 

No. No. No. She's such a nice lady Brooke.  You would like her so much. (Is he for real? I'm thinking.) They're such good Christians.

He said the term, "good Christians" a host of times, each time making me throw up in my mouth a little more.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle, but I see both sides, he said with empathy. I wish I had better news for you Brooke.

After some more silence, interrupted by my sobs, I forced out through the enormous mass in my throat that I understood, and I can't blame him for anything. That I was sorry I even called him. I now regretted it.

I can't make her love me. I can't force myself on anyone. 

Love doesn't demand. Love is understanding, patient, kind. (I felt like a talking Bible.) I guess our timing isn't right. 

Here I was sitting alone in my house hearing what I had formerly perceived would have been one of the most painful revealings of my life, and instead I was starting to feel relieved. I felt a warmness that covered me, and I felt God whispering to me that it would be OK. That He loved me, and that was all I needed.

I was washed with the blood of Jesus.

In that exact moment of immense isolation, rejection, desperation, and sadness, I felt His warmth covering me. I felt His presence like never before. He whispered to me...

Don't worry. You are my child. I'm with you. 

I paused. I smiled, and I let Wayne do some talking.

Wayne has a comforting Southern drawl. His voice reminds me of someone I knew once, but can't pinpoint now.

He went on to gently lecture that Colette is not my family. I know that would come across callous, even cold to some. But I knew what he meant. And he was right. Colette is not my family. She didn't raise me. She just gave birth to me, and I should be grateful for that fact.

But in reality, it was God who gave birth to me. She was just the vessel He used, and I have to be grateful for her for having me, for taking the instructions to give birth, for not aborting me, for not doing what I have done.

I would have a 15 year old right now. She chose life, while I didn't. She was better than I was.

So can I be mad at her? She gave me a chance. She gave me options. She made sure that I was well taken care of, that I would be loved, and I have been.

My parents are my parents. Mom and Dad raised me. Mom and Dad took care of me. Mom and Dad loved me. It was they who gave me everything I needed to succeed in life. And I took it freely. Still do.

So essentially, biology means nothing. This is probably nothing new to many people. I have friends who have parents who still don't know what love is. I have friends' with siblings they can't trust, who they wouldn't ask for help. People all across the world have family members who abuse them, who mistreat them, who neglect them, who don't care enough, or even at all. I am blessed to have family that does care.

I've heard that rejection is God's best protection. And I'm fine with that.

Our timing wasn't right. And I'm fine with it.
She isn't ready for me. And I'm fine with it.
She might never be ready for me. I have nothing left to be, but fine with it.

My conversation with Wayne went on for about thirty minutes. He told me that his wife wasn't very understanding of his relationship with his adopted daughter. He said that his daughter had done some things to him, that in his wife's eyes,  were unforgivable. She couldn't understand why he continued to have a relationship with her, why he continued to love her. And what he said to me, was exactly what I expected any adoptive parent would say.

Brooke, I love my daughter. When I signed those papers to adopt her, I made a commitment to the agency, to God, and to my daughter to love her no matter what she does. I made that commitment to her, and I will not stop loving her because she does some things that I'm not pleased with. Just like our Father in Heaven still loves us when we screw things up, she knows that I will always love her, and I want her to think that for as long as we both live.

But my wife doesn't have the same opinion as me, he said sadly.

What he had just said to me resonated in the darkest places. I don't know if it's a special love that God gives out to people who are adopted and people who adopt, but I saw that man's heart clear as day right through the phone. I heard the love in his voice. I saw a love that people don't get to see very often, and we are lucky if we do. I felt it. And even if that was the only experience I will ever have with that family, I can say that I am proud to have known Wayne, even if for just an hour.

When we hung up, I did ask him if he could get the name of my birth father, and while the words were falling out of my mouth, with both contentment and disdain, I knew that my request would not be fulfilled by Colette. I told him that even if Colette had made the decision not to engage with me, that it should be the birth father's decision as to whether or not he would like to have a relationship with me. He said he would ask, but he felt that the answer would probably be no.

I am OK with that.

Occasionally, I have feelings of anxiousness mixed with curiosity about this situation. I have to take the thoughts that come to my mind captive. I interrogate them asking questions like: Who are you from? What good will this bring? What is your motivation?
I'm reminded of this passage from the Bible in 2 Corinthians 2:10.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Taking our thoughts captive, and making them obedient to Christ is the best defense we could wish for. And it's right there. We have it in our possession, living inside of us.

Wayne told me that he would never get rid of my phone number, and offered up a future conversation any time if I wanted to talk.

I hope that this brings you closure, Brooke, was his last offering to me.

Thank you Wayne. I appreciate you. You have done more than most would have done if put in your shoes, and I see the goodness in you. Maybe we'll meet one day. Maybe we won't. Goodbye.

Goodbye Brooke. Take care.

We both hung up. Only this time, I waited for him to hang up first, and politely, I believe, he was waiting on me to hang up.

That was that.

I was still crying, but I knew that it wouldn't last forever. I was going to allow myself to feel sad for that day only. And I have kept my promise to myself.

Later that afternoon, I popped in to visit my close friend who knows my heart, and she sat on the front porch with me and we cried together.

That was that. The end of another sunny day, and there will be many more where that came from.

The First Call with Wayne

The day I called Wayne was not much different from today. The wind chime on my front porch was dancing with its beautiful melody, a stranger to consistency.  I had been to Home Depot that morning, left empty handed, and had ice cream for lunch in lieu of what "good" people eat- a tomato sandwich or soup or salad.

And just like today, the sun was marveling though it was not particularly hot outside, it's rays beat through the curtains as if making a mockery of them. I was sitting on the green couch as I am now.

I didn't expect to hear from Wayne so soon. I didn't expect to hear from him at all.

Resume the conversation.

I told him of my birth to Colette, the shoddy records I was given, and later adoption. It went like this.

How do you know that Colette is your birth mother? Are you positive?

With the help of some "search angels" as they are fondly coined by the adoption community, and the paperwork that I was given by the Children's Home Society, the agency that handled the adoption, we worked for many hours to find her. The angels worked tirelessly and for free. And I enlisted my friends who wanted to help, and ultimately, Debi found her. The angels are the ones who do the search and all for free. The are somehow tied to adoption, and feel called to help adoptees and birth mothers find their loved ones.

If you recall, I didn't want to say the name of the person who gave us her name. Mainly because I told her I would not. But in light of her non-response to me or others who have reached out to her on my behalf, I don't see that I need to keep it a secret any more. The cat is out of the bag. Meow.

Debi was calling people who went to her elementary school, and happened to call one of her childhood friends who had known about the pregnancy. She had told her later in life on a beach trip they took together. Little did she know, I'd come looking. Little did she know she would be a recipient of a phone call from Debi asking her questions like, "Did you go to elementary school with a girl who had an older sister who was a physical therapist, who is 8 years older, and has a brother who is 9 years older, who is in sales? Her mother was a homemaker and her father worked for a large manufacturing company." We later found out the company was Dupont.

Little did she know that giving Debi her name would have caused all of this. I have to thank Nancy. She thought she was doing the right thing, God bless her. She worked for an adoption agency herself, and couldn't fathom going her whole life without knowing her offspring. So out of love for humanity, she gave us her name- first and last, maiden and married. Nancy didn't know what she was doing. She hadn't thought it all out. She probably regrets it now, judging by her avoidance of me at all costs. Years now. She refuses any contact. I'm sure it was prompted by an angry Colette. Either way, what's done is done.

Back to the conversation at hand.

I've written to Colette a few times, and emailed once or twice, but then she resigned from her  job. (I had heard from Nancy that her job was very stressful, but I didn't mention that to Wayne. Might appear too much for the first phone call.) She's never written me back, Wayne, and I'm just calling to confirm that I have the correct address as, ______________. I've been worried that maybe she didn't get my letters, or that someone had intercepted them. A mind makes up scenarios when it doesn't have definite answers. 

Well Brooke, I just don't know if she's received them or not. She's trying to downsize right now, and I'm helping her to sell her house. I don't know the exact address off hand (bullshit), but I see her about every week. She's been going through a lot personally over the past few years. She's newly single. (I appreciate that description. It's less harsh than divorced- which signifies with a lifetime of shame until one is remarried, if one is still inclined to try again.)

Is she in good health? I muttered quickly, as if to make up my own mind that it was my fault if she wasn't.

Yes. She's healthy. No issues there.

It would be helpful for me to have health information from her, so that I could take any preventative measures I could. It would be helpful for my daughter, Sarah. She is 7. She's in good health too, but just to be safe. It's good to know any family history.

Oh, you have a daughter? That's great.

(Totally escaping the question of family medical history. In my mind he was making light of the need for family medical history- even though the medical community finds it incredibly valuable- hence they ask for it at every junction it seems.)

She's a trip with blond hair. I heard that my birth father had blond hair, which reminds me. I'd like to know who he is. I think it's only fair, for whatever fairness stands for.

Well, I'm not sure if I even knew about this. I may have been told about this a long time ago, but it's been so long, that I'm not sure now. I've been married to my wife (he didn't say your aunt) for a long time. (He didn't give me an exact number however.)

Awkward silence.

Wayne, I don't know if you know what it's like to grow up not knowing a single person who looks like you, sounds like you, has the same mannerisms as you. It hasn't been easy. I struggled with identity growing up, and I would say, I still struggle. I was nothing like my parents and often felt like they didn't understand me because we weren't biologically related. I love them. Please don't get it wrong. They are my parents who raised me and loved me no matter what.

I have a wonderful family who loves me unconditionally. I had all the opportunities that Colette wanted me to have- a stable two-parent family, a college education, and love. (All of this said with tears strolling down my face and a lump in my throat, while plopped down on a lawn chair in my driveway, while plucking leaves off a nearby overgrown bush like a child would be doing if she had gotten in trouble on the playground. My prior pacing had gotten me riled up. I figured I had better sit down and calm myself.)

Well actually, Brooke, I do know what it's like. 

My daughter is adopted. 

(I thought I had heard it all until now. Bells went off in my head.)

My first wife and I couldn't have children, so we decided to adopt, and she recently found her birth mother, and I helped facilitate the introduction. She came to me and asked me if I would be OK with her searching and we did it together. I knew how important it was for her, and I wanted to help her. We went through the agency and they were reunited, but we did everything by the book, the way the agency had instructed. We recognized the birth mothers' privacy was a concern, and we didn't want to jeopardize that. (How selfless. Although I think they just couldn't find her on their own is the real truth. They needed a Debi.) She still has a relationship with her. I don't think they see each other often, but they speak on the phone frequently.

Wow. What was that like? Her birth mother wanted to meet her?

Yes. It was nice. It helped to relieve my daughter of a lot of questions she had.

(Silence. My heart pounced with excitement. Had he just told me that? What are the odds?)

My first wife and I divorced, and I wasn't sure that I even wanted to remarry, but then I thought that I didn't want to grow old alone, and I when I began dating again, I wanted to make sure that the next woman I was with would be from a really good family. It was very important to me to find someone from a good upbringing, and I met my second wife, Colette's sister.

You come from a very good family Brooke. You couldn't have asked for a better family. They are good Christian people. Your grandparents were amazing people. They are both deceased, your grandmother died a few years ago. You grandfather died in the eighties of an accidental poisoning. (I knew that. He drank radiator fluid "accidentally". You know it's the color of Mountain Dew, and I heard it was in a Mountain Dew bottle or something like that. Obviously, I'm not sure of the exact story, but that's what Nancy told me had happened.) Your mother is a very nice woman. She had a great career, financially stable, has a family. She is now retired.

Yes, I heard that she has two sons both beginning with a Br, like Brooke. 

Oh? Interesting. (probably puzzled by the fact that I knew so much personal information.)

My adoptive grandparents have a lot in common with Colette's parents. My adopted paternal grandparents loved playing bridge, and my granddaddy was an instructor. He died in the eighties of cancer. My grandmother died when I was only 6. I can't remember too much of her, although I am told  by many what a wonderful and brilliant woman she was, that she could make almost anything with her hands, was very crafty, and graduated top of her class at Salem College here in North Carolina.  I think it still is. She was also in the Granddaughters of the Revolution, (but I think it was Confederacy, and I was just too embarrassed to say that for obvious political reasons). I heard that Colette's mother was in some type of organization like that- Order of the Eastern Star or something similar.

How did you know that?

I read it in her obituary. Most information is pretty simple to find with the help of the Internet. (I was feeling like a stalker at this point. He would probably agree.) There are a lot of similarities in our families. My adoptive and biological parents both went to Chapel Hill, where they met I'm told, and we are big Heels fans. Both my aunt and uncle went there as well. My uncle is a doctor, and I understand that your wife is a PT. I know that Colette and her brother and sister all attended college there. And that she worked in the medical office as a secretary to the Medical Director which wold explain my father being a dentist. Although, it would make better sense if my birth father was in medical school. 

The story that I was told was that my birth father and Colette were college sweethearts and that he was in his second year of dental school. She didn't tell him of her pregnancy, and she went away to a Florence Crittenton Home for Unwed Mothers in Charlotte, which is where I was born, to have the baby. I live in Charlotte still, having lived elsewhere though, I just always returned home. Her sister knew about the pregnancy, and there was some talk of her adopting me, but that clearly didn't work out. She visited her while she was at the home. Her parents supposedly wanted her to keep me, but she refused. But they did visit her in the home I was told. 

Wayne, you know that this information could have all been fabricated given the nature of closed adoption. It's prone to deception, even error perhaps, but that's what I was told by the adoption agency in my typed up birth papers, that adoptees are afforded if they are lucky.

Brooke, do you have brothers and sisters?

I had a younger brother who died when he was only 20. He was adopted too as a baby. He was 3.5 years younger than me. 

What about your parents?

My father died 5 years ago of a heart attack. They both  died in the same house, both of heart attacks, both untimely. God's ways are higher. So I don't try to understand why things happen the way they do.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Your brother was so young. How old was your father?

He was only 67. And he was a health nut. He would have been the last person that I would think would have died young. I think losing my brother did something to him. He was never the same after we lost Wilson. 

That is young. How sad.

But you know, Brooke, that the people who raised you are your true family. Colette is not your family. She had no part in raising you. She just gave birth to you, and tried to give you a better life.

I'm aware of that, but it still doesn't quiet the storm inside. I don't think that God would put these questions in my heart only to leave me unfulfilled. I don't think that He would have put me on this call right now unless He had a plan. (More tears.)

I understand. Brooke, I have someone in my office waiting on me so I need to go. Would it be OK with you if I spoke to my wife about this?

Sure. 

Occasionally Colette and I have a gin and tonic and talk about life, so I'll make sure that we are not having a libation when we have this discussion. I'll need to discuss it with my wife to make sure that we decide on the appropriate time and approach. I will not lose your number, but don't expect a phone call back from me for at least three weeks.

(Managing my expectation, which I understand completely, as I do it professionally with candidates.)

We are going to have to take in consideration what is best for all the parties involved. Do you understand what I mean?

Of course. I get it. I can't force anyone to love me, but I can give someone the opportunity to love me. My birth father might not have known about me, he might know now, but either way, I want to know who he is. Even if Colette doesn't want anything to do with me, it should be the birth father's decision whether or not he wishes to have a relationship with me. Not hers. It's only fair that he get  to decide. And she is the only one with that information. And your wife. She knows who the birth father is. 

I understand where you are coming from. I'll be in touch with you as I know more. Good luck Brooke.

We both hung up. I didn't expect to hear back from him, but I was hopeful. If anyone was to get inside Colette's heart, I knew it would be Wayne. Especially after his daughter had just met her birth mother. Surely Colette had been there to hear the story of her own niece's reunion. Maybe she hadn't. I don't know. Just like I don't know anything, but what I piece together. I have only bits and pieces of the story and over time the paper has been eaten by hungry mice, torn apart, and shredded. Leaving me with gaping holes. And I become the detective. Sherlock Brooke. Oh what tangled webs we weave...

Time went by and I waited patiently.

Some days I was eager. Others I completely forgot all this was brewing worlds away- only 2 hours down I-85, maintaining hope that Wayne would come back to me with a story that I hadn't imagined. That he would tell me that he had convinced this stranger/mother to meet me. That his daughter's story was enough to sell her on the idea. That she was resigning her anonymity and was finally ready.

Exactly three weeks to the day, just like he had said, Wayne called me on another sunny day. I was home cleaning the house. I picked up the phone and this is what he said...

To be continued...

Unraveling my Yellow Tape: Adoptive parents are clear indicators of human gra...

Unraveling my Yellow Tape: Adoptive parents are clear indicators of human gra...: I'm compelled to disclose some more of this story since I have kinda just left things hanging for the past year or so and let me tell y...

Adoptive parents are clear indicators of human grace

I'm compelled to disclose some more of this story since I have kinda just left things hanging for the past year or so and let me tell you why. I went to my high school reunion last night- 20th to be exact, and I saw an old, and I mean old friend, Shannon. HAHA on old. We are clearly the same rotten age, and holding on tightly to our thirties as if dangling from a cliff overlooking the ocean on a James Bond flick from 1978. Actually, if I remember correctly, she is one year older than me, so she is clearly hanging on much tighter than me.

Anyway, she told me she read my entire blog, and I was shocked. I have no idea who reads this, unless you tell me, like she did. Moreover, I don't write this for the readership, although it's always nice to be complimented. It makes it seem more worthwhile, escaping the obvious reality that writing allows me to process all of this unfolding of truth (and lies).

I feel honored that anyone reads this, and my hopes are to write a book entailing the quest. I want somehow to incorporate the Godly perspective in all of this. Not sure how that will happen, but faithful that God will lead the way, if I just begin the typing.

A lot of the time, I don't really know where it all comes from when I write. I don't speak eloquently. I'm not over the top intelligent, probably just average Jill based on my life choices. That's to be held for the second book. How NOT to Live Your Life by Buga Fairley. So I'll maintain that God uses me for this. I'm sure that someone is getting something out of it.

Back to the quest. I am not even sure where I left off, so I'll just tell you what's happened recently. Approximately six weeks ago I felt brave one day. But let me preface this with it started with me lying on the green couch wailing out to God that I didn't understand why this woman wouldn't talk to me. I laid there alone, sun beaming in directly at me through the naked window, cradling the phone and scolding it's power at the same time.

I had effectively, on a whim, decided that I would call my birth uncle (by marriage), who is a complete stranger to me.

The uncle has a name. It's Wayne. He is married to my birth mother's older sister, who is 8 years older. He was easily located because he owns a business and let's face it, Google makes everything easier. What did we ever do without it? Bing doesn't hold a candle, but that's beside the point.

It apparently was his cell phone, because the voice mail didn't mention the company name. I left a message.

Hello Wayne. My name is Brooke Fairley and I'm calling on a personal note. Please call me back when you have some time. I almost hung up without giving him my number. Choke it up to nervous jitters.

I hung up and decided that he would probably not call me back.

I laid on the green couch and cried. What had I just done? All the rules of adoptee to birth mother engagement say that this is the absolute wrong approach. They tell us that this sort of thing only pisses people off. Because of the shame brought onto the mothers and the high degree of privacy they maintain to achieve throughout the years, this abrupt calling of near relatives before ever speaking to the birth mother is a big no-no. The crippling fear of being found out has these mothers in knots. They go on for their whole lives, some of them, thinking that one day they will be found. Paralyzed by the very thought.

 I did it anyway.

You see, these women, went to undeniable lengths to hide their pregnancies. They couldn't face the harsh public eye. If subjected to it, they would be shunned and could lose everything.

That was the mentality.

The devil is a liar. He is out to steal, kill, and destroy. He stole the baby from the mothers. He killed any chance at happiness after having a baby for these mothers. And that asshole destroyed any chance of a relationship. I believe that the cruelty of the times was a direct result of his terrible doings. He instilled the fear, produced the anxiety, and discouraged mothers from keeping their babies by fueling the fires in the public eye.

God's answer was adoption. He gave the parents who could not have children the opportunity to be parents. Who knows if maybe God had previously decided to not allow those parents to have children. And through his loving grace gave them a second chance, answered their prayers, gave them children to love. It's my opinion that parents who adopt are the most loving of all. They take in a child that didn't come from their own womb, and love that child as if she were their own blood. They make an agreement with God (and with an agency likely) to take care of the child for the rest of their lives. That means unconditional love.

The Bible tells us that we are all adopted by God. Ephesians 1:5 says, God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.

I believe that adoption is the ultimate gift and lesson at the same time. Parents make a commitment to God and adoptees know what it feels like to be loved by people who weren't forced by law to love them. To be taken care of by these selfless people is the greatest gift. It is the ultimate gift of grace and it's human grace, which is something we don't see enough of.

So I waited on the couch, crying out to God in another moment of misunderstanding. I was letting the better part of me sink, and the questioning part of me rise and demand answers. So in my temporary insanity, I thought it would be OK to make that call that I knew in my heart was the wrong thing to do. And I had to live with myself.

You see, love doesn't make demands. And I was demanding that this woman confront me from all angles. I had now sunken to new lows by attempting to allow someone who may or may not have known about my birth, in on our little secret.

That was dangerous. But what did I have to lose? I guess, my integrity. The devil doesn't want us to have it. And I let him win that battle. Regretably so.

As the light was beaming on my face and I was holding the phone still against my chest, it rang. It was Wayne. The call went like this.

Hello, this is Wayne. I am returning your call. 
Yes. Hello Wayne. Thank you for calling me back. Um... (long pause). This is a little awkward for me, and it probably will be for you. Are you available to talk for a little bit?
Yes. Sure. (sounding curious though puzzled)
Your sister in law, Colette, is my birth mother. In 1976 she had a baby, and gave her up for adoption. That's me. I'm the baby.

to be continued....

Paperwork Schmaperwerk

It has been months I've made any brazen attempts at knowing this strange woman who quite possibly begrudgingly carried me in her warm womb, then in a matter of six short, but painful hours, squeezed me through her birth canal and then left my life forever. The paperwork I have on my birth which is completely compiled in one tight paragraph, did not detail the nuances of childbirth and pregnancy the way most loving mothers would recall having their first born child- splashed with descriptive actions like 'felt your little kicks" and, "rubbing my belly," and the word glisten was perfectly absent. There is a simple, almost polite, completely sterile, three sentence paragraph with not a single comma. Bland and nondescript- as if baby birthing in 1976 was equal to a one-liner joke told by a Rodney Dangerfield impersonator in a seedy off off Broadway flat in NY's finest shitty neighborhood. I don't get it. Not one iota of detail surrounding the birth of a human being except a scientific description of my twisted right foot, and a suggested path to correction. Wow. That is one great book to read- about as informative and interesting as reading a printer manual in Mandarin.

I guess this disgusting lack of description is particularly deflating to someone like me for selfish reasons. I like to describe things. Nothing makes me more happy than to accurately and intricately outline a story. I like to know the juice, drink the juice, be the juice. The nitty gritty intrigues my mind, and I get off on being understood and explaining things to the point of undeniability. And when it is finished, you'll know because you will want more- like now. Like exactly now.

Truth be told, all of this driving desire to reunite with these perfect strangers is a combo of selfish determination and self-unawareness- self being the key descriptor. It's just not right to want to invade someones privacy for senseless reasons that only pertain to myself. Devilishly transparent, even putrid you might be thinking. Either way, I will get to the bottom of this if I have to think this thing into the ground and later excavate it. I hate to say this will be the death of me because I am hoping and praying that breath will be spoken into this relationship, but I have somewhat prepared for a slam in the face heart-wrenching NO, which is really what I've already been dealing with I suppose. The fact that these long lost people of mine, well formerly mine, in utero only, have not responded to my oddball requests and multiple letters to my birth mother, each more forceful than its predecessor, the fact that they have not responded in any form or fashion reminds me of Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd was told that there was one in a million chances that he would have a chance with the girl, and he jumped up, clicking his heels, and said, "You mean there is a chance!" Actually, in the movie I don't recall any leprechaun heel clicking moves in that scene, but there could have been. My memory isn't as good as yours probably.

I have turned into Lloyd. Great. Despite the very real truth that I love Dumb and Dumber with all my heart and even have a VHS copy of it in case the DVD accidentally cracks, I do not insist on insulting my intelligence like that, but I prefer to see the humor in most things uncomfortable.

Lucky for me (and Lloyd) there is hope- that small sliver of detail that people often forget about when the going gets rough. I plan to rely on that and faith for the rest of my life, and until either of those run out, I know in my heart that I will be fine. Period.

I will continue the elusive chase I imagine, until I feel satisfied with one answer, or until I am completely pushed off the face of the earth- whichever comes first.

I like to keep the stalking fresh and switch it up every now and then. Occasionally, banging through the keyboard by means of a random message sent on Facebook, not surprising at all if you think about it, considering 100,000,000,000 (too many zeros) people are finely in-tune with it's feed and consider posting to it a daily ritual, myself included.  I have not picked up the phone to call my birth aunt though lately; Melody is her name- to announce to her family on what sounded like a 1987 Radio Shack answering machine that I have been looking for them for quite some time, and that I believe that we are related. No return call. Twice I called, twice left messages, the second more direct than the first and probably more insistent on a return call, which was not honored nor probably appreciated, based on the response I got- which was zip, zilch, and zero all combined into a whopping bag of nothing.

I have also written the birth mother one snail mail letter, and two separate emails. None returned, so that is a clear indicator that Mr.M Daemon did not get a hold of them. I also have bombarded her friend, and my former friend who has assimilated to the non-responsiveness that the rest of the family is taking up. She unknowingly released the privied information to the search angel, Debi, who ultimately found my birth mother for me, in a very closed, and very sealed adoption dating back to the seventies. I just aged myself, but for the sake of the storyline, which is really my life story unfolding as you see it here, I will take it like a champ. The friend who outed my birth mother, probably got a tongue lashing and a cold shoulder after that, which might assign some truth into the character of my birth mother and her unassuming family. Well I honestly don't believe she told any one in her family other than her sister, and parents who visited her while she was in the maternity home which was and still is located in Charlotte.

One day soon, I might have a visit to the Florence Crittenton Home for unwed mothers. I might just have a visit this weekend. I'll take my camera and upload some pics of the joint since no one thought it was appropriate back then when I was born. I guess instead of creating memories, the birth mothers wanted to shove the memory of birthing a baby and giving it away to complete strangers to raise is something that was not especially camera worthy, and not exactly fond, and probably something that kept resurfacing at odd times throughout the years creating much pain and undue suffering.

But I guess back then, the idea was to keep the privacy of the adoptive parents at the forefront, and the rights of the birth parents practically abolished like the detailed descriptions were of the births and what led up to the births. That would include any real life situations that could have been addressed without having to give up a child.  Maybe that is the truth. Maybe if those thoughts were revisited for too long, ideas would form that would lead to different outcomes and different lives, affecting the world in a much easier, digestible light. Maybe, just maybe I would not be sitting here right now, typing this.

I am very thankful for my family. Do not get it twisted. I am truly blessed, but with that blessing came a very real interest, inherited if you will, and born deep into my soul in finding my people. I think anyone who takes that for granted has no idea what it is like to be the one who doesn't.

If it happens that we meet, that we exchange some open communication, some rhetoric is dialed up, maybe even some real life interaction, I don't know what I should expect because I have already formed in my mind what it will look like when it happens. That is a probably one of the only private things about this story of mine that I have remained sealed about. That too, will be revealed, as more is revealed, an unveiling of a mystery. That mystery holds the key to me. And by God, I am determined to get to the bottom of it- even if the outcome is devastatingly unfavorable. I can assume closure, and this chapter will be no longer an anomaly in this life.

My Sobriety and Her Secrets Revealed

My birthday came and went like most birthdays normally do. Part of me was secretly wishing to find a letter in my mailbox from Colette. The other parts of me were toying with many other ideas, one in particular- that I would mail her another card for my birthday, and as I think about it more and more, I still feel like I should, yet I'm positively hesitant.

As I have told my story to the people in my life who care enough to ask or read this blog, I have always been left with new outlooks after our conversations. It's true you never know what another person is going through until you have walked a mile in one's shoes. The truth is, we will never be anyone else, never walk in another's shoes, unless we leave ours on the roof of the car and drive off forgetting they were there, and never fully grasp what another is thinking or feeling. In my stuckness, in my Brookeness, I will never truly know what Colette is going through when she thinks of me, and how I would play a role in her life if we were to meet today.

I equate what she might be feeling with my ceasing to drink alcohol. I have never been fully aware of what it's like to be sober on my own accord for my entire adult life, except during pregnancy. I have gone a month here and a month there, maybe a few months at a time, but I never intended to be sober forever like I plan to now. My whole way of life will be altered, changed forever, for the good I am certain. My friends will probably drop like flies, my outlook will modify, my activities for sure will change, not being consummed with where the next drink will take place or when. Everything will change, again I am certain for the better. I will not be the same Brooke anymore. I will evolve, just as Colette has evolved from that scared 21 year old college student who accidentally got pregnant by her boyfriend. She is not the same person anymore, no longer a kid full with dreams and excitement mixed with nervousness. She has gone through a lot since I was born- had more children, been married and divorced, lost both parents, made a career and name for herself. She has evolved.

I too shall evolve.

I was planning to parallel the changes that could take place in both of our lives based on uncertainties that could arise from a first meeting that hasn't taken place yet, and maybe never will, but realized as I thought through it more today on the green couch, while sipping my overly stout coffee, that there are more locked boxes that need to be pryed open. Way more.

There are so many things to be accounted for.

She doesn't know what our lives will be like if entangled with one another just as I don't know what living sober will be like. It's likely I will become withdrawn over the course, pouring into my writing, into Sarah, and certainly be engulfed in self-discovery when I have for so long tried to mask myself of who I was- a drunk- powerless and often misunderstood. I will emerge a butterfly through my change, with sparkling colors and a wing span that screams immense. My upward mobility will not be squandered in thoughtless acts, in a drunken disguise. I will finally be myself again, what God wishes for my life, what I have wished for, for so long.

It will be a choice and not a consequence.

Colette will be able to put her shame behind her, her fear of the unknown, her disguise. She would be able to  say to someone that she couldn't talk to before, "Yes, I had a baby. Yes, I did it in secret, and now I am not afraid to tell the world that I did those things because  I am not that child anymore. I can be myself. I can let go of my anxiety, my overwhelmed feelings, my hurtful past that was squashed over and over for all the wrong reasons." She can let go of it all just by meeting me. She can see that she did the right thing by giving me up. There is nothing more appropriate than a meeting with me to release her of those feelings forever. So I think. One meeting could be the closure that she needed- one time seeing my face and wrapping her arms around me, and feeling my heart when she speaks to me, when we speak to eachother, and knowing my soul is good.  That would be all it would take.

That sounds like a fairy tale probably because I believe in fairy tales. Of the many things I struggle with, helping to set her free is one of them, and if not meeting me ever, never looking into my eyes is what will ultimately heal her, I guess that will be that. It will make me sad to know that she will never invite me to see her, but at least I will know that I conquered a major setback in my own life while trying to help someone else with theirs. I will be sober, and I will notice the little things, become acquainted with beauty and understand that relationships aren't driven by disguises. I will be able to account for everything in my life, and without shame.

Shame is another senseless depressor that ties us together in this tangled web. I will be released from mine, and she will also. Simultaneously, we could  lose it forever- the shame, the paralyzing guilt. We can bounce good energy off one another, share in our successes, leave the quiet desperation behind forever.

If I were to dive deeper into this whole thing called life, I would also notice that my unemployment has pushed me into things that I needed to settle. I needed this break of the schedule. I needed to work some things out, and push myself in ways that people don't normally gravitate towards, but instead are usually pushed into. I can't complain about my life. It's pretty amazing right now. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I have a mother who loves me unconditionally, who takes great pride in loving me that way, and to her death always will. She is amazing, and more and more I realize that she is the only mother that I will ever need. Thank God for my real mom- Lynne. I am truly blessed, always have been.

All in all, I will be fine, and so will Colette if we meet or not.

Lord, keep me thankful, keep me sober, and please Lord just keep me.

Overcoming your doubt sounds difficult, but it's quite easy.

I haven't heard from Colette yet. I don't think I will. I'm getting tired of thinking about it, of wondering what her motives are, of being adopted. I just want to not have these things to worry about-to move on, and let it all go. It's easier said than done I'm learning. I  guess this is what they call a stage. The head shrinkers would agree, I assume. What I'm going through is a process. You've heard the term 'process of elimination' a thousand times, the terms, 'I'm processing', and 'it's a process'. I guess those are all ways of making yourself feel better without drugs and most likely in conjunction with making a lot of hard, and sometimes bad decisions. Maybe making bad decisions is part of the process. Maybe having made those decisions, and dealing with those issues which could be detrimental to your immediate or long term health are really just disguised as problems, but in reality, you are learning to cope and those preemptive strikes against your mind are your best coping mechanisms coming to focus. And what's more, maybe, just maybe, these 'underlying issues' that come nicely wrapped as problems are God's way of training us to deal with our immediate needs in a constructive manner.

I never equated problems with goodness until fairly recently, when I noticed that my gratitude was lacking. A healthy dose of feeling sorry for yourself can either bring one of two things out: 1. an ungrateful beast who worries too much about unimportant things, but because you are so self focused, the puny things become monstrous or 2.a slap in the face to wake up and be thankful for all the good problems you are faced with.

It's never too late to be grateful. It's never too early to be giving, and one thing's for certain, and I've learned this one the hard way, it's never wrong to express your true feelings. In fact, there are many people in the world who keep things bottled up. They tense up in situations that others think nothing about. They worry and they create their own little imaginative world that oozes of self deprecation and self doubt. I do this on occasion, and when I do it's no joke. I will second guess everything that I do as a  result. And it's not until I realize, or a good friend tells me bluntly and usually with a slight sting, that I'm working myself up over practically nothing. We all are guilty of this. I don't care how many ways you spin it. You are never flawless. You are not always confident, and if you are, then I applaud you for your amazing dose of denial. 

It's when I get to the point of true doubt, that I realize that I need to give more control to God, and trust that He will do what He has promised. He is the controller of my destiny, and although I play a small role in the whereabouts and minor details of what equals the life of Brookedom, the deciding factor is left up to God. If I would just quit questioning everything...If I could just let go of worry and know that what is right will be done when the time is right, I would be be better off. 

The difficulty and resistance in trusting God is something that most all of us have in common, Christians, Muslims, Catholics, Buddhists, non religious affiliates combined. We do not believe what is set in front of us. We exude doubt and that's the devil's way of winning, and it's our way of throwing in the towel without even recognizing we're doing so. When you constantly doubt others' intentions you are risking a lot. I don't know if losing out on something that's potentially really good is worth the risk. It probably isn't. 

I'm going to be blunt forever. I'm going to release myself of doubt because I'm just going to come out and say what I have to say, and ask what I have to ask, so I will know. My problem lies in my delivery, as does most people who are forthright in their thoughts and actions. It's a double-edged sword. When you are outgoing, when you are not shy, you are most likely a victim of communication breakdown because even though you might have the balls to say what you are thinking, you might not have the couth to deliver it gracefully.  Nothing worth anything came easily to anyone, and that's the scary truth. 

I have officially written myself out of doubt for the time being because I let God take it's place. You should try it sometime

The birth father who never got the chance to decide

I emailed Colette again last Thursday. To sum it up, I basically told her that I want her to tell me who my birth father is, and with or without her help I will find out who he is. Knowing this, she might be worried about her reputation. After all, she is the spokesperson of some pretty big college in her neck of the woods, and one that I've heard is widely known in the eastern part of the state. To my knowledge, she never told him about her pregnancy. He very well might know absolutely nothing about my existence. Shoot, he might live in Charlotte even. It's the largest city in the state of North Carolina, which means it has the most opportunity for opening a dental practice. My birth father, 24 at the time, was in his second year of dental school when Colette got pregnant. It would behoove one to move to the largest populated city in the state in which one holds a license to practice dentistry, which I am told, is only good for the state in which you studied, unless of course you take the exam in another state. People do move after all. We are not bound to only live in one state thankfully.  There are so many dental practices in Charlotte, one in particular, which I have the strangest feeling about, one that my orthodontist had mentioned as well.

He was so puzzled by my strange request of him, but he seemed genuinely interested in my story when I told it to him last week, as I was sitting in his chair, picking out colors of my future retainer. I felt 13 again. I went with clear I think. At 36, the last thing you want people to notice about you is the strange looking colored metal piece in your mouth. I have a slight gap between my front teeth that bothers me enough to pay for a new retainer and to wear it in public. I say this now, but I'm imagining it will most likely be worn in my bed as I sleep, and definitely not as I'm doing other more playful things in my bed- you know those things that grown-ups like to do. My gap has bothered me here and there, but I have been pretty comfortable with it until recently, when Debi sent me a picture of all of the graduating class of UNC-Dental School of 1978, and low and behold, there was a picture of my past (and future) orthodontist, Dr. Webb. Wow. He might have gone to dental school with my father. That was good enough reason to have a more bothersome feeling about my unruly gap in my front teeth. After all, that gap could stand between me and a great job one day. I must have it looked at. It's imperative. Madonna made the gap cool. She can keep it. I'll go for the mod.

As I walked into his new building, which was more state of the art than ever, more ying to the yang than I recall his last office being, I couldn't help but think, "Brooke, don't forget to ask him about dental school. Don't forget you forgetful Nancy. You could screw up a wet dream. Don't screw this up. You don't want him thinking you just came in to pick his brain about dental school either." He was probably later scratching his head thinking just that after both Debi and I had bombarded him with emails that had attachments galore. He emailed back that day, which was surprising. Doctors of teeth rarely work, I assumed they rarely returned emails as well. Turns out, I was wrong. 

He told me that there were only 81 in his graduating class, and he would know all of them. He is the social type, very flittery, not in a gay way. If you saw his stature, you might understand. He is bite size, and his voice, very soft. He appeared to be genuinely happy to see me, although I was a bit surprised that he even remembered me. Unlike most of my friends, I only wore braces for about a year or so. I swear I think they keep you in braces longer than need be just so they can keep charging your parents because God knows insurance is a joke when it comes to orthodontics. That would be unethical, and it's probably pretty offensive that I even wrote that, but it's not unbelievable, and I'm sure it has happened a time or two, maybe not by Dr. Webb, but by some schmuck. 

If anyone would know someone, I would think it would be Dr. Webb. He just seems like the kind of guy that would know everyone. And judging by his response, I was right. He said he even knew the class that graduated before him, that they all shared lockers in the dental school. SCORE! My wicked plan worked. 

He gave me his email and the communication began. I am leary though now, and wished I had been a little more hesitant. He said he had a friend from Kinston, that's where the birth mother is from, and that he was going to call him to find out what he knew. OK. That's taking it a little too far. I don't know that I want her name smeared all around town. Kinston is very small I imagine, probably a town as big as Monroe. I don't know the coordinates or population, but my imagination is vivid, and I can just see what the downtown looks like- with its red brick two story Walgreen's on the southeastern facing corner and the Tru Value Hardware Store soaking up the opposite corner of Main Street.

He asked me to send him a copy of my birth certificate. Now that sounds strange to me. Why on earth would he want that? Does he not understand the logic behind my line of questioning? Does he think I know a name? If I had a name on the birth certificate would I not just Google him? I let him in on how things were done back then, that the original birth certificates for adopted babies went down an assembly line, where they were stamped with a big REJECTED and then ended in a giant fiery tomb that was filled with thousands of lost socks, only to be incinerated for good. The babies that were alive were then renamed and sent to live with weirdos who just wanted a paycheck from the state, until they were adopted by hopefully loving families, like mine. Obviously, that's not entirely how it works, but that's the feeling that I got based on my fruitless search to find my birth certificate at the vital records office that one day last summer. 

When I mentioned to Dr. Webb that my father was described as very athletic, and 6'2 with blonde hair and blue eyes, a look came over his face that made me feel uneasy. It was like he had seen a ghost, like he immediately knew who I was talking about, which leads me to believe that is why he wants a copy of the birth certificate. Maybe the person who he thinks it could be, he had contacted that afternoon. Maybe the "could be father" wanted proof, and he asked Dr. Webb for the birth certificate in disbelief. Dr. Webb said he was going on vacation this week. Shocker. A dentist going on vacation on July 4th? I might be a horrible communicator in person, and put my foot in my mouth all the time, saying inappropriate things at inopportune times, but if there's one thing I can do well- it's read people. I know people, maybe not everyone, maybe not the guy I'm currently dating, but damn it, I know most people. I have the knack for figuring people out. Call it intuition. Call it whatever you want to call it. But I saw something flicker in his eye when I described the possible birth father. It was like a light went on in his head. His eyes screamed it, and my radar picked up his signals. Whether or not anything will come of this, we won't know until we know. But I have a feeling that he might know more than I think. 

Since I have slightly given up hope on Colette ever reaching out to me, slowly tackling this rejection day by day, I decided that it might be a safer bet to find the birth father. Men, in general, are more direct, and once I find out who he is, and take the plunge, I will know pretty quickly his response. Women, I've noticed, like to think things out longer than men. I could expand on my theory of why that is, but I will spare you. You could say I am slightly prompted by Debi's constant, but gentle push to find him. She is the searcher who found my birth mother. And it was within a month that she found her. Granted, it might have been easier to find her, by no means was it easy, but being given the county of the birth mother's birth, it gave her a solid foundation to start from, and to ultimately arrive at. 

We know the birth father is/was 6'2, had blonde hair, a dark complexion, enjoyed bike riding, and was musically gifted. It was said in the papers (my flimsy adoption papers that the state of North Carolina has deemed appropriate enough to give most adoptees who were born in closed adoptions as far back as it has been legal, and probably still to this day) that the birth father did not know of the pregnancy. There is something so wrong with that scenario, something so intrinsically wrong, so backwards, so just...just...disgusting about that. I can't describe my feelings on that. Pregnancies that stem from rape, incest, molestation, any other sick methods I have not covered included, I can see as a good enough reason to hide a pregnancy, but when you are in college, you have two consenting adults who are of sound mind and body, and both mature adults, who think they are mature enough to make a decision like that, to hide a pregnancy- I just don't understand the mentality. I have wrapped my mind around it so many ways. What would motivate someone to do such a thing? What could be so bad that a woman would not tell a man- a young, intelligent, motivated man the truth- that he has super sperm, that he got her pregnant. My thoughts immediately go to the obvious. Maybe she cheated on him with some random frat boy at a mixer. Maybe they drank too many Milwaukee's Best can beers. Many college students' couldn't afford Fat Tire, and when you are underage or even legal age and drinking and in college, your soft pallet is not the driving factor with regard to alcoholic consumption. Anyone who drank in college most likely knows that is a sad truth. Maybe she hooked up with her boyfriend's best friend or roommate, not unheard of, pretty embarrassing for both parties, but nothing worthy of committing yourself to a lifetime of shame and hiding, pretending. Maybe she was raped. Maybe not. She claimed that the birth father was in dental school. To me, anyone who is intelligent enough to get into dental school, forget about the dedication, anyone who is bright enough for that, would be a good candidate for a father and husband. 

Maybe she is was so hung up on appearances that the thought of herself being unwed and pregnant, or worse, a single mother (gasp), was so horrifying that she could not even think about it. Maybe she didn't even think it out at all. Maybe she rushed into her decision. Who knows what motivated Colette to give me up for adoption without even asking my birth father's opinion. At this point, it doesn't matter. What's done is done. Although, I have to think that might be hindering her from meeting me, or at least making any sort of communication. She might be so ashamed of her actions as an inexperienced 21 year old, that she can't face it today. She can't face me- her own daughter. Now she has some maturity and some life experience behind her and maybe, just maybe, she might do things differently today. I know my decisions at age 21 would not be equivalent to the ones that I make now. But at age 21, I sure would have thought I was doing the right thing. At that age, you know everything, right? At least I did. And I was never wrong. God forbid accept responsibility for your actions. Never. I was always right, and you were always wrong. That's the way a small mind works, and at age 21, you are very small. That was her age when she was pregnant with me- 21.

I decided to go email the last time because email is direct and instantaneous so to speak, once you hit send, there is no doubt it gets to the recipient unless you get that return email of course from Mailer Daemon, whoever that is. Mailer Demon would be more fitting if you ask me. I told her that I was going to look now for my birth father, and if she would just give me his name then it would make things so much easier. Easier for who I'm imaging she was thinking. Well duh, easier for me. I think she's had enough say so in the matter as it stands. She made the decision that should have been shared between two minds. She has kept my existence a secret for long enough. It's time to come clean. My thoughts on this situation are rapidly getting more aggressive towards Colette as I'm typing this and in such a hurried fashion. I'm starting to feel resentment, rejection, and frankly, I'm starting to get pissed. 

I guess this evolution of events surrounding my birth, or summation of non-events as it currently stands, is turning out to be more of a hassle than anything else. I am using good brain power, soaking up many hours thinking and writing about this, and I must say, it's pretty lame. I feel like a hot mess, like I'm a dog chasing a firetruck, like a stranded passenger at an airport who just watched the gate close as she was running faster than hell down the corrider to sneak in just in the nick of time. I feel like that cup of coffee that got left in the microwave, not forgotten just once, but twice now. At any rate, hurt or healthy, I will survive all of this mess because I am survivor. Just like Lady Gaga, I was born that way. I will move on from this time in my life with a new perspective, and one day I will look back and say, I learned from that. Because learning from your experiences helps us to grow as souls and without reflecting on our past suffering we are not actualizing our losses which in essence create room for even bigger scores. Life is short. Hug yourself. 

fo sho....i guess you can never be too real....

Dear Colette,

I'm going to preface this letter with this: I intend on being completely honest right now. It doesn't happen daily and I don't think I'd be lying if I said that most people aren't honest routinely with the people they love the most. I don't obviously love you the most. I would like to know you enough to love you though.

I don't know if you have any idea what it has been like for me my whole life- the wondering where I came from, the being clueless to who I am because I never felt like I fit in, always feeling like a Viagra commercial-  you know it's coming, you just don't know when.  Genetics is no joke. 

I'm not going to bore you with the hum-drum normalness that you probably fully expected to hear from someone like me, someone like your daughter that you don't know and have rejected a few times now, so Ill try to keep this interesting.

I am trying to be positive and patient regarding you and what possibilities we might have together, but I want you to know that it's getting hard. I know that life is sometimes a blood sucker. People are blood suckers. And I often find myself stuck in evil webs people weave. I weave them sometimes. No one's perfect. Sometimes, I find myself wanting to linger in bed a little too long on Saturday morning when Sarah is crying to me that she can't reach the top shelf for the cereal that I should be serving her, while I'm more concentrated on getting that crack in the curtains covered because I stayed up too late the night before. My Mom has called me 3 times by noon, leaving messages that include words and phrases like, "worried" and "please call me when you can." She's got guilt inducing down to a science without any intention of it at all, I'm sure. I want to crawl under my desk at work on most days, and the days that I don't, I can't explain why I feel so good. Hormones are nothing to joke around about either. And from what I hear, they never go away, except when you wish they would stay longer. So, I'll say I get irritated just as easily and I run out of patience just as quick as the next girl. OK, I might have slightly more patience. I'll give myself that. But I am easily swayed. Probably very true.

I'm telling you these things about me, so that you will understand somewhat what I am like- how I am, how my brain operates, and hopefully, so that you might have some inkling of relation to any of it. Like I said before, genetics is no joke.

There are lots of things I would like to share with you about who I am, about what my life has been like growing up versus my adult life, my family life, my friends, my love life, my career, the evolution of who I am, who I identify myself as. These are things that I find it hard to understand that you wouldn't care about even 36 years later. I know that you have moved on. I know that it was unimaginably hard for you to move on with your life after my birth. I had a friend, who sadly died at a young age from an asthma attack, Danielle, who gave a child up for adoption at age 19. She didn't get over it. She died at 25 probably. And I have no doubt that her pain put her in an early grave. It did that to my father too, when my younger brother died at age 20. I was amazingly OK. I knew that God was with me, and my faith, even though I didn't go to church regularly, and didn't live my life the right way, was strong enough to carry me through the pain. I don't know if you ever lost anyone at a young age...maybe me, actually. OK, I imagine you are aware of the pain associated with loss.  Anyway...I'm not here to make you cry. I'd rather make you SMILE!

I want you to realize that people will forgive you. People love you. Despite their lack of understanding on a deeper level at times, or despite yours, people actually love you, and love entails forgiveness, and reminding them of their need for forgiveness is OK....even if it does play on their occasionally overlooked guilt. =) I'm not suggesting you guilt trip everyone- just your sons, and maybe brothers and sisters. That's a semi-joke.

If I can please confess something: I haven't told my mom that I wrote to you, now three times. I don't want her to feel threatened or upset for me, or worse, upset for herself- in fear that I may love her any less, or you more. I have told most everyone else. I understand your need for figuring things out, but when the time comes, I am ready to tell my mother that I will be meeting you, if that's your choice. (I hope it is, or you will receive a lot of hate mail from me. just kidding, kind of) She will understand because she loves me regardless of the stupid things I have done in my life, and regardless of the impending future of stupidity that might suffocate the good choices- just as your family will probably understand that you were scared and alone feeling, and although you might not have been, and never may actually have been alone except in your mind, they have probably felt the same way, and will most likely be understanding. And, this might sound bitchy, but if they are not understanding and loving of your situation, they might be assholes to begin with- negating any real reason for inhibition.

I hope you can understand that I have my own life already. I have a family. I have a daughter. I have a good job, with a company that loves me (We (me and Allie) called you one day and pretended we were donating money...I'm sorry. Allie wanted me to apologize to you about the $500.00 donation you never received. I had to hear your voice at least since I've never seen you in person. Forgive me for being so intrusive. If it was me, I would be flattered. You might be scared, but I'm not scary. I'm still your daughter. I can't be THAT weird. Well, I don't know you...=))

Nancy doesn't think I'm weird. Although she refuses to talk to me anymore. I'm guessing that's because you blew up at her. What was she to do? Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine you had the chance to reunite loved ones who never had the chance to know each other....you wouldn't do it? You wouldn't think twice, take a chance, do what you felt was right in your heart? You can't be angry at someone who did what you would have done given the chance.

I would be surprised if you wouldn't. That's your prerogative. It was hers. She felt like she was doing what was right at the time. And if you can get past that, past your hiding, past your pain, you can realize that nothing in this world is done maliciously without God having his beautiful hands on it fixing it just as quickly, and, me finding you was never set out with malicious intent- know that.

I hope that you can sit here and read this note with an open heart and likewise spirit. I want you to beable to get past your reservations and find strength to acknowledge that you made a very hard decision many years ago, that you knew it would always haunt you. I don't want to be a ghost. Please acknowledge me. I respect you. Please respect my feelings. I am hanging on the vine here. Please acknowledge that you got this. I love suspense novels, and am reading the widely acclaimed 50 Shades of Gray, but c'mon....I keep feeling left out in the cold...Please let me in....

Brooke

Shandies make everything better.

The first I've written in a few weeks, and I don't feel much. In fact, I think it would be safe to say I feel pretty numb right now. It could be the shandies. It could be the fact that it's 11:38pm and Ive officially declared myself weak. I'm not sure if numb is the right adjective or if it's the quickest descriptive word I could think of 2 seconds ago when my fingers were anxiously pounding away at this confounded keyboard again. Another night of spending time with a keyboard. Great! Is that what my life has silently amassed to? Or do I secretly covet time spent alone? Am I rushing to allow my fingers to do the walking, and no, this is not a yellow pages ad in 1987.

I had my girlfriends over tonight- two of my besties that I have made through my previous years working at the country club. They are amazing women, fully charged all the time, and both beautiful and strong. I don't tend to hang out with weaklings. Even the women that come to me intermittently,  for whatever reason in my life, however it is that they enter my life, are strong. I have never really been around anyone who is weak or wimpy.  Maybe it's that I never accepted weakness as an excuse. It could be that I have always had selective vision. That's kind of like selective hearing. You see what you want to see, and you hear what you want to hear- more formally known as denial, and we are not speaking of a river in Egypt.

Is denial a lower form of closed mindedness? Could it be higher? I wonder. It took me a few minutes to remember that chain of thought. I went to the bathroom, fixed another shandy, and then sat down to rethink that one for a second. It came right back. I wonder if every single thing in the world is not related somehow- whether it's completely moronic or highly intellectual. I won't expand on this right now, because it wouldn't be fair for me to not let you do it on your own.

The world can be BIG or small. It's important to remember that the likes of what you are surrounded by are most likely productions of your own existence, and you have much more control than you imagine.

Enjoy a moment now. Spend it reflecting.

I feel privileged to know that you read my writing, and take something from me that I couldn't give to you wrapped up in a pretty Carolina blue tweed purse with brown polka dots and a brown and white striped satin bow that came from Jo Malone and smelled equally as wonderful as her Orange Blossom parfum- only it's free. But it's never cheap.

Brooke

My FINAL post...a happy ending

It dawned on me that my birth mother might find this blog now that she has my name. It would not be hard for her to find this since for some probably incredibly self-absorbed reason I have tweeted a post here and there. I can't explain why I feel compelled to share such a personal struggle with an often cold, heartless world, and even if I could, you most likely would not understand it unless you are adopted. In fact, I came to the realization that most people do not understand the dynamic of adoption- including the adoptees. I've noticed that many adoptees don't see the goodness in it, because they are sometimes too self-absorbed and reeling from the unknowns that they themselves do not find the truth in the matter- that adoption more often than not, stemmed from love in the purest form. It stemmed from a place in the heart that has boundless love and grace.

People don't realize that when we give something up, we are making room for something new and something better. That's how God describes brokenness. He says that he must break us to rebuild us. And how can I go my entire life thinking about why this woman gave me up without first realizing that had she not have, I would not know the people that I do, had the family that I have, or led the life that I've lived? How could I not have the  perspective that shows me that what I have been devoid of, was nothing that really made a difference in of itself to begin with? I would have never thought that I would come to this realization while sitting at my computer at work on a Monday morning.

I finally came full circle.

I realize now that whatever it was that I felt I needed so badly in my life, my birth mother, my blood relatives, my history, never really mattered in the first place. I never needed what I didn't have, and I think that's what God was trying to tell me all this time I have been writing this blog and doing this search, acting as if it was a rescue. I never needed to be saved, and neither did Colette. We were separated for a reason that God had planned. We needed to be taught some of the most valuable of all lessons. I can't speak for her, but I can speak for myself. I think he was trying to generate some gratitude from me- gratitude that I have always had what I needed when I needed it, and for as long as I needed it. That's my gift in all of this. I am finally beginning to understand the lesson at hand- the lifelong lesson, and they are always lifelong in my opinion. We can never have too much knowledge, too much understanding, too much grace. I have received it, and I thank God for giving me this gift that never ceases to fill hearts- the gift of gratitude, of gratefulness, of thankfulness, of grace. And boy do I need all I can get of grace. But in order for me to be able to receive God's gifts in my life, I needed to be thankful for what I have already been given- which is a life of wonderful blessings. I have a wonderful family, a beautiful daughter. I have a great job. I have a house, a car, and I attend a wonderful church that I feel so happy to be a part of. But the things that matter most...matters of the heart, those are the true blessings- the intangibles- happiness, love, gratitude, peace, joy, generosity, kindness, understanding of others, cheer, consideration of others.

So as of right now this second, I have finally realized that I do not need to know the reasons for my lifelong separation from the woman who gave birth to me. It doesn't matter. It was a loving plan that God had made for me. It was His way of saying, "I love you, my child," as he continually does for all of us. It's unfortunate that we don't pay enough attention to His whispers. I am so glad that I finally heard Him say, "You are MY child, Brooke."

I think I can probably retire this blog now. So it's with great pleasure and peace in my heart that I can bid you au revoir...

Unless I hear from Colette of course, and I will fill you in then...

The Card

Tomorrow is the day that we've all been waiting for

For my birthday, which is Thursday, and I'm not telling you how old I am, but with a little digging in my blog you could very easily find out if you cared enough, I am going to mail a card to my birth mother. It's not going to be something long and drawn out. It won't be a tear jerker like my previous letters. Nope. Instead,  it will be something short and sweet and to the point. It will more resemble an invitation than anything else. It's time.

You should have seen me at Harris Teeter last night trying to find an appropriate card. It was like watching nursing home residents in their wheelchairs argue about who jumped who in line at 4:30 when the white clothed people ring the cowbell. Some of them hit with their canes, others with their stuffed animals. Either way, it's pretty freaking funny. As you can imagine, there wasn't much to choose from. Had it been cheese that I was looking for, I would have had a much rougher time deciding. There's this nifty, but not thrifty, gift shop here in Charlotte, that has an incredible array of paper products and fun gift ideas that would have sufficiently done the job (thanks Paper Skyscraper for not being in Mint Hill), but as it were, I was there, in Mint Hill, where I loathingly reside, and as I tell people routinely, Mint Hill just doesn't have much to choose from (in anything, men included). There were two cards that I had to choose from. Both were tinging on the side of cheesy and both were altogether pretty lame. One of them made mention of faith, courage, and strength- three of my favorite attributes in people and aliens. The other, had the words inside, "you are thought of more often than you think." I was leaning towards that one, but it had a picture of a cheesy telephone drawn on it, and it looked like something you could pick up at the stab-n-grab on the way to the beach. I decided against it. I got the semi-cheesy one that mentioned courage. I liked what it said. And I had no choice. I would probably go to Paper Skyscraper this afternoon had I not taken the bus today. Taking the bus is economical, but not practical when you are a single mom. Oh well. I refuse to let my lack of a proper card hold me back from finally sending the card. In fact, I think I will just go straight to Walgreens when I get to my car and buy a new card there since they might have a better selection. I'm going to look really silly and really chintzy returning a Hallmark card to Harris Teeter. Who cares? I'm sure I've looked much worse. Just ask anyone I know. I've toppled the charts on looking stupid. I am a hall of famer.

So this is what my note will say verbatim:

For my birthday this year, I wanted to give something precious away, and since I already lost my virginity, I thought I would invite you to join in my life. I think we've been separated long enough. Don't you? I am ready now. I hope you are too. But if you are not, I will hunt you down and kill your family.

OK, no. That's not what it will say verbatim. But it sounded pretty damn funny. Instead I think I will say this:

For my birthday this year, I decided I would send out the best invitation ever to only one person. We have been separated long enough. I'm ready to invite you into my life. I hope you are ready to join. It will only cost you $500/Mo. with no down payment payable in equal installments by the 5th of the month.

OK, no again. But that would be so funny. It will be short and you get the gist. I don't plan on letting her off the hook so easily by telling her that I forgive her for letting me go, even though I'm not mad or hurt. She doesn't need to know everything yet. I also don't plan on telling her about Sarah, but I will include a picture of us together. I think a picture says a thousand words and a few cuss words in the mix in braille if you throw up a bird, which I don't intend on doing. But that would be kinda funny too. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. White couch here I come.

Lastly, and on a more sincere note, I would like to say that I welcome a relationship with my birth mother, and despite having made a mockery of my life and of adoption in general, by writing a blog for my peers and the world to see and gawk at, I truly do care about the outcome. I did this for one main reason- to document my search for other adoptees who are in limbo and in search themselves and feel isolated in that they don't have many peers who can relate to their situation, nor understand, and it has ultimately become a creative outlet for me to express my feelings without cussing someone out, which is never good.

I will post a video of myself dropping the letter in the mailbox at work tomorrow, provided I can get someone to video it. My timing might be off by one day because I don't know how long it will take for the letter to get from Crown Town to J-Vegas, but we shall see. It's been almost 36 years, she can wait one more day. Crap, I ended up telling you anyway. I can't keep a secret to save my life.

A few tips after a few thoughts

While riding the express bus home from work tonight, while trying to decipher where exactly we were in relation to my car's park and ride lot and in between fleeting sick thoughts of a horrible crash where the bus crashed over the guard rail and we landed in the creek 100 feet under the highway we were cruising over at only about 55, bodies flung everywhere, and gross depictions of sharp objects nailing bodies to their seats, I was also imagining something positive. Hard to believe, right?
I was thinking about starting a charity. It's always been something I've wanted to do, but never worked on. In thinking of this, I started thinking about this blog I've been wasting time on.
I realized that all of this fluff-n-stuff aka blog that I've been writing is boring. I'm getting bored talking about it, and I'm getting bored typing it. Who in the world cares about one nobody in the world who happens to write about her life? What makes anything that I write about interesting enough to lure readers back more than once? I wonder.
I wonder if it's the fact that I've somehow made you feel like you know what's going on in my twisted little world? Is it because you are nosey? Is it because it's interesting? Is it that I need some form of validation? I am not psychologist, but I should have gone into Sociology.
My good friend actually told me that the other day- that he should have studied sociology. I asked him what he would have done with that degree over his current Philosophy papers, an answer which had little to no impression on me because I can't even remember it now.
Point proven. What does a Sociologist really do? Study why people do the things they do? Study people? Regardless, it doesn't take a degree in sociology to know how the world operates and to understand people.
It does however require the ability to pay attention.
Back to the point.
I was talking about a charity. I was tumbling around in my mind all of the needs that stem from the lack of one simple act in this world- caring. Do we care about others enough?
I constantly hear the age old argument- if there is a God, why does he let all the bad things in the world happen? You know the normal atrosities are usually brought up- famine, homelessness, senseless murder, as if any killing has real value or purpose, child molestation, rape. The reply I think of immediately in this argument, is why do people let those things happen?
We are the ones who inhabit the Earth. We are the ones who should not let those things happen. We take little precaution, until things are irreparable. There can be no one other than ourselves to blame for the wrath of an uncaring world.
We don't care enough.
So instead of talking about my life tonight, I wanted to give out a tip.
If you are looking for your birthparent, the first thing for you to do is register on this website:
#1 www.whentheboughbreaks.net
If you know someone who is looking let them know. That is the first step to take. Somehow they have a lot of records. They have people who search for you for FREE. People who do this for free are PRICELESS. You can't put a dollar sign on people who care this much.

#2 Register on www.isrr.net
That is a nationwide registry for adoptees and birth relatives.

#3 Get some counseling, or write a blog. That was meant to be funny.