Garbage in Garbage out

Dedicated to my dear, very old (lol) friend, Chris.

As I realize that there is so much more to life than what meets the eye, I can't help but notice one of the most important of all characteristics of life lessons- one that is often learned late, and more often unfortunately, when it's too late: the ability to let things go. Most of what I know about, what I write about later, comes from life lessons. I fear to say that life lessons aren't learned from a book because anyone who writes most likely reads and anyone who reads knows that you can become quite enlightened from reading the feelings of those who write about them. So it's with delicate measures that I make the verbal assumption that learning's playground is hands on and the curve is ever changing. (I'll expand more later on this.)

Since my house has been torn up, my pysche has been in conjunction, crumbling as well, as has Sarah's I've determined. At least that's the only thing I can blame for her awful behavior recently. Maybe it's the fact that I have made spoiling children look like a work of art. Either way, I've noticed that there are lots of times in my life that I have not let the right things go, and slipped on the heels of the unscrupulous all too many times.

The sheer stress of making difficult decisions alone has just about put me in an early grave. But what I've noticed is, that it's not the decisions that are tough to make, it's recognizing and associating the value of the accompanying factors that lead up to the decision making time that distract us from making right choices. For example, your mind remembers numbers in one basic way. It's called chunking. It trains itself to break up numbers into small recognizable numbers which enables it to remember longer numbers easier than if you were to try to remember one long number. Telephone numbers are a perfect example of chunking. If you look at your daily decision making routines in that way, you can account for all the contributing factors that divide and conquer your mind, which ultimately influence your decision.

My outlook is ever changing, and it's only when I have moments of clarity and distinction that I can realize that it's not the actual problem that stems the unwanted results, it's my way of chunking out the underlying issues. I have always been a believer in fate, in destination, which would only allow me to believe that things will ultimately be OK. One would think that would negate any feelings of uncertainty, any unruly feelings altogether, which brings me to the final point in thought.

We live in a constant emotional state as we allow ourselves to. There is not a feeling in the world that will supply us with a correct answer- because there are no right and wrong answers. What is right to you might be wrong to me, and vice versa. There is and there is not, and it is all according to you. That is life. In math, your equations will either end up right or wrong, but there are lots of equations that even the latest and greatest could never solve. Everything is contradictory, and we are all human. That is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

If I can keep my mind in this state, I will be fine. Who knows what I will feel in five minutes. hahahahahahahaha. Point proven.

Letter # I don't remember at this point.

Dear Collette,

I hope you are sitting down because this is going to be a shock to you. Well I guess that remains to be seen. You may have been waiting a long time for this moment. Quick! Get out your camera. It’s in the junk drawer. C’mon, I know you have one. Everyone does.

 I was born on April 12, 1976 in Charlotte, I recently learned. I did not know my birthplace until last August when I found out that you were my birth mother. Since I found out, as you can probably imagine, I have been mulling over how to approach this situation.

Let me start by saying this: I have longed to know you all of my life, to know your people, who were originally my people too. I've longed to know my birth father and his people, too- not as much as you though if that's any consolation.  I learned in my search that you did not tell my birth father about me. I would still like to know who he is. I sincerely hope you can remember who he is. You are getting old after all. (Sad attempt to make light of this. Humor has always been my friend.)

I understand that request may be very hard for you to digest if you really never told him about me. I'm sorry that it might be very painful for you to even think about me, and even reliving that time in your life altogether might be excruciating. I can only imagine. I have a daughter, so I can somewhat relate. That means you are a grandmother. Sorry to inform you, if you were living life thinking you were still in your prime. I heard that you have a full head of gray hair which I guess is something I have to look forward too as well. That stinks, but it’s forgivable.

I want you to know that I don't blame you for what you did. I have an idea of what it was like for you being in college at the time of your pregnancy, and having two older siblings who both graduated college. One would derive that there might be some lofty expectations of you being the youngest to come out on top like the others. But I also recall in my notes from the adoption agency that your parents wanted you to marry the birth father and keep me. Either way, I imagine it was no easy feat for you to give me up, and to go all these years wondering what happened to me. I know who I am, and so I imagine you can't be that different. I feel things pretty deeply, as I imagine you do as well.

 I would like to know more about my heritage, my lineage, my health information, but most importantly- ABOUT YOU. I have gone my whole life wondering who I am, where I came from, what it would be like to know other people who look like me, who act like me, who are like me. Two words: missing link. Don't get me wrong. I have had a great family, a great upbringing- maybe it was rocky at times, but who goes through life without strife? Show me that person, so I can hug her- maybe she's Irish.

I am writing you today to see if you would be interested in meeting me. I don't want anything from you. I know you have a life already. I do too! But I thought you might be curious to know about me. After all it's been almost 36 years. I'm holding onto 30 though. Shhhh. I live in Charlotte, which is only a few hours’ drive from Jacksonville.

I know I have relatives out there. I sent a facebook message to your sister. So I imagine you might know that I was looking for you. She never responded. I assume she looked at my birthday and something might have clicked. Who knows? Assuming is bad. I do it too much. But when you have as little to go on as I have had all these years, your imagination becomes quite vivid and relentless on occasion.

I'd like to leave you wanting to know more about me. So, I don't want to tell you too much. It's like sleeping with a guy on the first date. He got what he wanted and he might not come back. I've never done that btw. I'm a good girl. Well that might be a fib, but I am a good girl anyhow. Now you're thinking, wow, this girl is crazy and a whore. You'll never want to meet me now. Maybe I should rethink this letter. Nah. This is me. I am who I am, and you are who you are, and I owe it all to GOD.

He's my real mom and dad. Knowing that has made it easier for me. And in all honesty, I have grown up very happy, very stable (that could be debated) I was a debater in high school. Nothing screams dork more than that. I was also a dancer for 15 years, until I quit because I thought drinking beer was more fun. Boy was I stupid. I might not have this beer belly now, had I thought that one through. I might have your genes to thank for that too. Eh. That’s what Weight Watchers is for.

I am going to record myself dropping this letter in the mail. I truly hope that you want to meet me too. You might realize that you have needed me all these years, and it's never too late to start over. I do it every day.

Please call me or write me back. You can find my number in most bathroom stalls in Charlotte bars on Central Avenue. Joking of course.

Love,
Brooke

Change your Lens dude.

How I wish there was a Starbucks in my neighborhood. No, actually, let's make it in my house, and on my nightstand right this second. Don't you wish you could just think something up, and it would happen? Some people say that you can. They call it the the law of reciprocity, which in essence, really means, that what you exert comes back to you. I don't know if I believe all that crap, but one thing is for certain. The people that you surround yourself with will undoubtedly change your outcomes if you let them. We will obviously have many outcomes in our lives because nothing stays the same, nothing is permanent, and life is a constant motion.

I learned this lesson the hard way in many cases, especially recently. I happen to be very trusting person, thus probably naive to the world and its many inhabitants. There are those who want to bring process improvement, who are driven by matters of the heart, who are not hesitant to help, and not thinking in terms of dollar signs, but genuinely want to help one another. And you have those who want to save the world, but who want and expect to get rich doing so, and instead of climbing the mountain with a walking stick, they climb over people instead, squashing them like ants on a sidewalk. And there are those who don't care period. They don't genuinely care about themselves, others, or anything for that matter. In their twisted mind they are "helping, " but the truth of the matter is, they are doing just the opposite. They are making matters worse. I wouldn't say that there are 3 types of people in the world because I'm not a fan of stereotyping. But I would say that people are often mislead. We are guilty of doing it, and we are victims of it.

I believe that setbacks are just lessons learned. Some happen to be more biting than others, but they are all the same whether we want to believe it or not. We should all try to constantly clean our lenses, and if you want to think in terms of the bigger picture, one could say that we all need to be viewing our setbacks as welcomed times for us to grow and learn and morph. It's all in your outlook. No problem is too big. None is worse than another. It's all relevant, and it's real, and you are always capable of fixing whatever it is that plagues you just by cleaning your lens. And while you might not be able to change the actual outcome or actually put the broken pieces back together because maybe some are missing, maybe some are cracked, you are able and capable of changing the way you let the brokeness affect you as a whole. You can choose to be aware of your surroundings or  be self aware.


Now I know you are thinking, "Brooke, that's bullshit. A 4 year old daughter who has Spinibifida is not comparable to your pipes in your house being shaken up a little. A terminally ill mother of 6 young children is nowhere near the likes of a car breaking down or a missed school bus, or a computer virus that shuts down your website." And while you might be thinking that they are not related, not in the same category of pain, same lines of stress, or in comparison by any means, they are all relative, and all manageable.

How we deal with stressors in our lives that have potential to rip away layers of our very beings is most important. The way we react can often lead to our outcomes, and the people we involve ourselves with can interfere with healthy reactions regularly. This is a very sensitive topic for many people in the world today. Whiners and nay sayers will tell you over and over again that it can't be done, that there is no way, that you are naive in your thinking. And you will start believing their lies. So before you get entangled with people who don't think positively, and don't clean their lenses often, politely remove yourself from their realm. It's OK to withdraw. Your services have been rendered long enough. And some people you can never change. But you can always, always change yourself.

I have peace in my heart because I know that God is working on me and for me. You can always know that God is working in your behalf even when you don't see it. Often times you won't. And often times you will not understand your adversity. But if you embrace your adversity, you will grow in ways that you would have never thought possible especially,  "in that situation." But always know that He is working on your behalf- the silent partner. I owe it to God. Without him, nothing is possible.

Final Thought

A couple days ago a co-worker of mine, who I consider to be a real friend, because we meet at the mind quite frequently, and our hearts seem to be in sync also, told me something that resonated in me. She said that God can't fix your heart if you don't give him all the pieces. I think that says it all for now. I love our "smoke breaks" (Neither of us smoke. Smoking is yucky.)

Just because you avoid the net, it doesn't mean you swim better

I wish I could help you.
But I can't.
You are not what you were.
And I miss you.
There are times that I think about how things used to be.
Do you?
I tried believing your lies.
It was never your fault.
It never was your fault.

You hide your true self.
The drugs don't do the trick.
I can't tell if you're honest.
Nothing makes sense. I ran out of patience. I didn't mean to.

You're not who you were.
I miss you. You were great.
You can be that again.

But you can't be who you are right now.
You have to cut her off, snuff her out, let her go.
Let everything go.
The important things will survive.

You will survive,  find love, and be restored. Never forgotten.

Best of all...

You will forget this one day, and then realize that it was something... that you had control over the whole time.