Tuesday, January 31, 2012

the 4th grader who ran off the salesman

Another day, another dime. One might say that I've become complacent. Another might say the opposite. Either way, I'm not doing what I want to do. I'm slowly sinking in a sea of sameness, in a corporate world that doesn't like people like me- people who say what they think, and put themselves out there, people who take risks. I am a scheduler for an asset management firm. It's my job to keep mutual fund wholesalers as they are called, a fancy term for salesman, in front of financial advisors so they can sell our mutual funds. These salesmen are not like your door to door AT&T salesmen who get paid a nominal commission after back breaking walks through neighborhoods, door knocking,  your foot travelers, dog avoiders, and latch key kids scarers. They get paid big bucks. They don't deal with scared fourth graders or lonely housewives, but sometimes, I bet they wished they did, which reminds me of a story.
Once, when I was a child, probably in 4th grade, as most of my memories of being at home alone seem to be around that age for some reason, a salesman once incessantly knocked on our front door. I was too scared to answer the door. I have no idea where my younger brother Wilson was at the time, probably getting into trouble elsewhere, as he was famous for.
Finally, I yelled through both doors, the glass and the heavy wooden front door that you had to jam with your hip as hard as you could to get open, and shut for that matter, "what do you want?" It probably was more of a whimper come to think of it. I was less likely to make anyone uncomfortable back then. I was even shy on occasion.   The man said he needed to see my parents. To which I replied, like a fool, "They aren't here." I guess he didn't believe me because he then made his way to our side door, which thankfully was locked, and knocked further, until I finally decided that going outside was the right thing to do. I stepped outside to make sure he was walking away, with heart pounding, and telephone in hand, the kind with the long curly cord. We are talking eighties here. Our phone cord could wrap around your kitchen table, through the hall closet, into the bathroom,  and out around your mailbox. No one had cordless phones back then, at least the Fairleys didn't. We didn't have anything until it had been out long enough to be 50% cheaper than its initial cost. That's just how we rolled. Well, that's just how my Dad rolled. I'm not sure if it was because he was cheap or he just didn't see the need to have materialistic things the way most of our neighborhood friends did. I'm thinking cheap because looking back, he had everything shiny and new that pertained to outdoors- the best of the best for camping gear, for kayaking, rock climbing, and anything boy scout related would probably safely fall into that category.
I was scared at this point. I had my fingers ready for that rotary dial. I walked outside to see what this crazy man looked like. He was already walking away at this point, with his hands in the air, as if he was throwing in the white towel. He had had enough. People weren't answering the door, and when they would, it would be nothing more than a scared 4th grader.
I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I thought I was protecting the house? It was pretty ballsy looking back. He looked just like the painter on the TV show who painted happy little trees. He was no taller that him, but with a rougher edge, and with little to no sense. I mean really? What idiot knocks on a door repeatedly, when a child says there is no one home just to sell a lawn service, which as I recall, was his lame intention. Oh OK, maybe I was the idiot for confronting  this possible child molester. His next remarks were shocking to me as I recall, "Wow, what happened to your driveway?" O......K. As if suddenly his mind switched from Chester Child Molester to Producer of HGTV Curb Appeal.
My parents always had a leaky car for some reason. There were huge grease stains on the driveway where both cars would be stationed, some cars for longer than others,  as was my brother's case with the two-door Buick. It was grey and pimped out. Not really. We just joked around that it was. It sat in the driveway for a number of months once, broken down, sad, musty and rusty. It saw a lot more action than some driving cars did though.
My brother, Wilson, who was a notorious pot head, practically lived in that car. His buddies would come over and they would sit in that mildewed antique smoking their cigarettes and pot. They would sub out that car until you couldn't see a thing from the outside. It would look like the car was on fire, and all you could hear was the baseline of the rap or techno music they would be thumping to in the driveway. I'm sure the Middlebrooks hated us. In fact, I don't recall them every being very neighborly, although they had their own issues to deal with. Seeing my brother and his friends smoking pot in his broken down car through their kitchen bay window on a daily basis was probably not what they had imagined life would be like in Governor's Square in 1994.
Mom would be inside cooking dinner, probably shriveling up a perfectly good pork chop into a miniature hockey puck that our Keeshond, Hershey, was quite fond of, I would be dancing around the house in my blue leotard, and Dad would still be at work, or on the way home. Wilson and his cronies would be out in the car smoking up. They would sit in that car smoking pot with the windows up, maybe with a slight crack if there was a female who bitched enough about not wanting her hair to smell like smoke. I never understood how he could sit out there and smoke pot and I  couldn't do one single thing without getting busted.Wilson could walk around with a joint rolled up hanging behind his ear, and no one would even say anything to him. I wonder if my parents just chose their battles, and figured if pot was the worst of his problems, then he wasn't that bad off. No, I doubt it. I think they were just clueless sometimes, ether that or their noses had no sense of smell. That car incidentally had a marijuana plant growing in the floor board from all of the seeds they threw down. We talked about taking a picture of it and sending it to High Times magazine, but we never did.
He had the most beautiful natural white blond hair, and it was so thick. It always drove my Mom and I crazy that he shaved it bald sometimes. But he did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. That trait has always run in my family. Although Wilson and I were both adopted, and therefore not blood related, we both had very similar ideas on life, and how we wanted to live it. It was very unfortunate that he had to die at such a young age. He was a character. He spoke volumes without even saying anything. Just his size alone would do all the talking. He was 6'8 1/2, but would say to everyone that he was 6'9. Round up, right? Right. He did a lot of things that might not have been appropriate or legal. Selling drugs was one of them. It's no secret. Most anyone who knew him, knew that. I never condoned it. Nor did my parents. I think they turned a blind eye. I never asked. I didn't want to know their take on it. I wasn't in the best of positions at that age either, but I never sold drugs. I might have sold other things, but never drugs. I just did them.
That salesman finally left for some reason. Maybe it was the fact that I went inside and slammed the door and told him he needed to get out of my driveway. It's amazing the things that a brain can remember, and forget. I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning, but I can remember that incident from 25 years ago. Man I am getting old.

Friday, January 27, 2012

private email enclosed...

Last week, on Friday actually, I had this cockamamie idea to send an email to my BM. Not a good idea. I didn't do it. I was just feeling impulsive. And yesterday on WFAE 90.7 there was a show on the Diane Rhem show that my close friend Chad filled me in on. He knows all of the entailment's of my adoption and the whirlwind of emotion that accompany it. Because I only caught the tail end if it, I have been trying to find it since. The discussion was of the fairly newly adopted DNA testing and its prevalence in adoption with regard to finding the unknowns. As a result, I thought my friend over at the CHS, where I was adopted, the former adoption counselor, Karen, would be interested in hearing about it.
So I emailed her again. Although I know she is extremely busy in her new role in family finding, I have a feeling there are lots of adoptees who still make their way back to her inbox frequently. She was a post adoption counselor at the CHS for a number of years that I'm not aware of, but judging by her familiarity with the situational atmosphere which I'm assuming is pretty common amongst all of the adoptee stories, it was probably a good number of years. I think she might be in her late forties, early fifties. I'm guessing here. Whatever her age- I love this woman. She has been a blessing to me and my sanity. She has taken a number of hours to spend talking to me. I know that her workload is sizable, and she probably doesn't have time to talk to me for hours on end, to counsel me. But she does it anyway.
I thought I would share an email she sent to me this morning. Yes, I know this is private, and no I didn't ask her permission to publish it, but I feel that she wouldn't mind. In fact, I'd bet my paycheck that she wouldn't. I won't put her contact info. I have had a few people ask me privately the whole story on how this all got started, and Karen, I feel, is sort of at the center of it all. She works for the Children's Home Society where I, among thousands of other adoptees over the years, was adopted back in the seventies. She was not the original counselor, because I'm imagining she was only a teenager at the time. But she was/is my go-to person. This weekend, I plan on writing out the whole story, and scanning my birth documents. Actually, I might do this right now. Yes, yes I will. Just so you can have an idea of what we had to work with, what little we had to work with.

Hi Karen!


I bet you thought I forgot about you. I hope all is well with you. There is a great show on the Diane Rhem show on WFAE today that will be in the form of podcast later today that everyone over there might be interested in listening to, just in case you weren’t aware. It’s about the entailment's of adoption, and most all viewpoints were recognized. I only heard a sliver of it, but intend to hear the whole show later today or tomorrow.


I haven’t mailed anything yet. But I do have a letter written. I think she knows I’m looking for her because I think her best friend might have told her. She hasn’t responded to any of my texts lately- just after in December she mailed me some Swarovsky crystal earrings she handmade for me. Kind of odd, huh? But, I haven’t felt pressed to inquire further. Guess I’m nervous of what she has to say. Oh well. Tis the day.


I still think you’re great.



Brooke


Hi Brooke –


Good to hear from you.  I didn’t know about the show on Diane Rhem, but I love Diane & will try to catch this on podcast. 


It sounds like your birth mother may indeed have the head’s up about you searching.  I suggest that it’s time to move forward (if you’re ready).  I encourage you to let her friend know you plan to contact your birth mother by letter, and then send the letter.  This will give her support system some notice and ability to respond.  I can’t stress enough how important it is for the letter to be kind and non-blaming, and also clear on what you want from her – health information, a photo, family history information, to have the opportunity to meet one day, whatever it is you would like to have happen.  It’s important for a birth parent to know that their child is okay, and that she had some of the things the birth mother hoped for her baby (good parents, stable family, opportunities) when she made the plan of adoption.  And then be prepared to wait a long time.  It may not be a long time, it may be that you get a reply immediately, but more than likely, she will need time to process this, and it can take as long as it takes.  If you can, keep going to group in the mean time.  Valentine’s day is coming up; this may be a good time to let her know she’s been on your mind and in your heart for many years.


Good luck with this, and please let me know how you decide to proceed and what happens.

Best,

Karen


For those of you thinking about sending a letter, please take into careful consideration what  Karen said. I have, and I think I will take her advice and after I rewrite the letter, because I might have been a little too scaly, I will drop it in the mail, and let her friend know to be on the lookout for Colette's call.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The meatless night

Last night I stuffed my cheeks with an ungodly amount of meat, and no it wasn't that kind of meat you sickos. A part of me wishes it had been, but then there's the good Brooke, who knows that would have been bad, and guilt inducing. Who likes to feel guilty anyway except maybe Joe Paterno, and it clearly killed him. No, instead, I went to dinner with 3 of my girlfriends. These three ladies, of whom, I feel like I can pretty much say anything around, are friends of mine from church. They are not the goody two shoes that I thought they once were. In fact, they all have issues, like most of us single ladies do.
While we were at the table, my friend, who was sitting across from me was having a staring contest with a seemingly eligible bachelor at another table nearby. I'm sure she was mentally undressing him, and smearing wildflower honey all over his rippling muscles and licking it off. Gross. He wasn't that cute to me, but she thought he was. You would have thought she was enjoying the flirting with him more than the mounds of bloody flank steak that was served by incredibly cute, and barely legal boys who looked like they were extras from the Pirates of the Caribbean. I fully enjoyed sexually harassing them all. They loved coming to our table. Making jokes about their sexy accents to them was the highlight of my night, and they really loved my request to bring back the loin cloth. I think we got special attention because we were such a fun table.
And all of this...sans booze. Go me. Yes, it's been almost 3 weeks since I've had a drink. I wasn't a big lush, just a small one. But I realized, and this is very personal, but since when did I have any secrets, I realized that alcohol is, you should write this one down, bad for your health. Wow. Seriously though, the stark realization came when I realized that it did nothing for me. If I need to drink around people to make them more interesting, then I need new friends. Point blank. And if they need to get wasted while they're around me, then they can deal with their own hangover, while I skip across the front lawn doing cartwheels because I will feel great, and they will feel like shit. I really am just saying all this to make myself feel better, because I know that drinking really does liven things up on occasion. Either way. I made the decision to quit drinking, and I guess I am proud of myself.
Back to the cute boys I was imagining in loin cloths. They whisked around the tables with their meat, no not THAT meat. Man, you are sick. There is something seriously phallic about pulling a juicy piece of meat from a knife with a little tong from some handsome young boy with a beautiful South American or Italian accent. It was pretty sexy-the whole ordeal. I loved it.
My friend, who was playing imaginary footsie with this boy across the room from us, was in full control. She made all the right moves, I guess. What do I know? I have no clue how to play games. I usually fowl out the first quarter. I gave up on the games a long time ago. I know everyone says that games keep men interested, but I feel like if he isn't interested in what I am, then I don't need to waste my time trying to lure him in. Plain and simple. If a man is not enamored with me, I could care less these days. I might change my mind on that by the time I go to bed, but I doubt it very seriously.
She whisked her long, flowing hair out of her face just the right amount of times. She stared him down, and let him know she was interested, and then guess what happened.
He approached our table. That must have taken some big kahunas. One man, with horse teeth, his breath probably wreaking of apples, from having eaten them all his life, approached a four-top of beautiful, I'm being generous with myself, I fully think the others are gorgeous though, intelligent, funny, witty women with nothing but a handshake and an introduction. I have to give it to him. The man had some balls. He confidently introduced himself, asked Courtney if she was going to have a drink elsewhere, and then after she gave him a polite nope, he left with his pals.
Here's where he went wrong. He didn't introduce himself to all of us, and he didn't introduce any of his friends, who were an ear away and could have just waved hello. He didn't give Courtney his card or his number written on a napkin, which would have been so Pretty Woman. He didn't even ask for hers.
But here's the real clincher. After he left with his pals, I asked my friend why she didn't give him her card. She instantly was slapping her forehead. Mandy and I were like, "Oh well. Another one bites the dust" but the other half of the table were ready to chase him down to the Epicenter, which was not right outside the front door, which was as far as I would have walked for that scenario. OHHHH No. Absolutely not. A woman never chases a man down- unless it's her husband. It just looks desperate. If a man is walking away from you with no means of further contact, he is not interested enough, and therefore not worth wasting any thought on. Take a chance some might think. Who knows he could have been the one. Nope. "The one" wouldn't walk off like that. He would make sure he knew how to get in touch with you.
When I got home last night, I was on Twitter, another time stealer that I've reluctantly, but quickly found myself fully immersed in, I came across an article that I felt all women should read. It actually prompted this post. Women are keeping men lazy by allowing men to text for dates. They are repeatedly texting invitations for encounters. And what's worse? We are responding to them.  There's no reason a man should hide behind the screen. A smart woman wants a man who can lead her with great confidence, and should accept nothing shy of it.
I guess the truth here is in the caramel truffle with two small scoops of raspberry sorbet on the side, which was one of our heavenly desserts, the best of the two actually. The truth is this. Men who care show they care. Women will know it when a man cares. And if you are ever left hanging in the breeze by a man, he is just not good enough for you. Don't worry one minute over a man who keeps you wondering, because it's not really a game to him- it's the truth- he's just not that interested.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Stress is bad, very very bad.

It takes a lot to stress me out. the vote is in. It's official: I am stressed out. Work is taking it all out of me. I need to find something new. I think it would be safe to say that I am a card carrying member of the flood of people who are miserable at work. I'm a MOW. I am not cut out to assist people. I don't like being held accountable for other people's livelihoods. Yet, I feel that I would make a pretty good manager. Lord, give me patience today and prevent me from bringing in a shotgun tomorrow and blowing off the heads of every person who looks at me crossly or has bad breath. That's just offensive. Buy some mentos for crying out loud.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Feeling Christine Caine inspired

I've been attending Elevation Church for a few years now. I can't say anything bad about it- not one thing. Each time I walk out of those double doors, Sarah trailing behind me or in tow on my hip, I can't help but feel rejuvenated. If I tried to deny it, I would be a fool. If I tried to understand why God does the things He does, I would be an idiot.
So why do I have a hard time believing He will fulfill His promises? I know that I'm the one to blame for this inadequacy in myself, and that He will always be there to protect and love me, no matter how I screw up. And believe me when I say this, I screw up a lot. I think that's fairly humanistic.
I attended the CodeOrangeRevival last night to see Christine Caine, and I was lucky enough to have been asked to sit on stage, a new thing that Pastor Steven felt would be encouraging for him and the other preachers. Some of them are traveling the globe to be here, in Charlotte, NC, and have set aside their families and churches to be able to speak the word to our church. For that, I feel very thankful, along with the other thousands of Elevators in our city and across the globe.
When I say globe, I am not embellishing. There is one pastor, in particular, who came all the way from Australia to be with us. Her name is Pastor Christine Caine. She is an inspiration to womanhood. She leads and speaks with passion and takes human rights very seriously. Having started a campaign called A21, Christine Caine is nothing shy of extraordinary, although I feel she would never admit that.
A21 is a campaign against human trafficking. There is a shelter set up in Greece as a safe haven for trafficked women that offers safety, comfort, medical attention, financial help with college studies, psychological care and a place where the victims can be restored with the love that God has for them. She took this challenge on with her faith in God, and with the knowledge that God can do anything, and to quote scripture, "through Him all things are made."
Why can't I take that thought, that all- withstanding truth, and apply it to my own life? I trust Him with my finances, for the most part anyway. He has always come through, and I have never gone without in that regard. I trust him with my health. I have had what some might call, some pretty bad scares in my life, but I have reemerged unscathed.
In fact, just last week, I had talked myself into believing that I had some kind of tumor on my cervix. I was freaking out and went to the doctor only to find that what I was feeling in that woman part of mine, was in fact my cervix. But as I was sitting in the doctor's room, very vulnerable, very unsure, very worrisome to the point of tears, I looked over to my left. And there, sitting in the magazine rack right in the very front pocket was a children's Bible. You know that Bible. It has the enlarged B for Bible, and with it's hardback blue cover, so familiar to me, I guess because I had seen it over the years at various offices of sorts, usually doctor's offices, as I recall. Its original print date was probably 1972, but the Bible doesn't have updated editions, so what real difference does it make to have one that has a more recent picture or one of a woman wearing an Afro and bell bottoms?
I picked it up and opened it to whatever page it landed on, like many of us thoughtlessly do, which I've been told is probably not the right way to read the Bible, because when we open it up and expect that we have opened it up to the page that God wants to speak to us through, we are giving ourselves the credit, when really the credit should always be given to Him.
Irregardless, the page that it happened to land on, the page that gave me comfort at a time that I needed it most, in that instance anyway, was Genesis. I think it's a fair assumption that most believers and non-believers know what story that is. It's the story of Adam and Eve. It's the story that describes the beginning of time, the creation story, and the story that forced humankind into the labors of life that we will constantly toil with. But the end of that particular story, and even still there has not been a true end to God's story, and never will be, I might add, gives birth to hope. It shows God's infinite love for us, and reminds us that even though we screw up, He will always love us. It never says we won't be punished for our actions. We will be. That's life on Earth, and maybe in Heaven, but I haven't been there yet to be able to write about it.
The point that I got lost on though, while thinking about everything that has recently transpired in my life, is that I don't truth Him enough. I don't trust that He will do what He promises. The only way that I know I will be able to do that, is by exalting Him, and through surrender. No one more than me hates the idea of surrender. Surrender? I'm not doing that. That means I have to give up? No way. I am all in, all the time. I refuse to say that I lost, another common denominator of humans. We are fighters. We are finishers. We are competitive by nature, even those of us who falsely, yet profusely proclaim that we aren't.
I need to try to learn that in His time, my life will come together. And the thing is, humans created time, not God. We put a ticker on everything, like Pastor Christine said last night. I stand guilty as charged.
We think that we are the deciders of fate. How presumptuous of us, how inflated, how inequitable.
This is where I start to stumble. If we are to wait on God, to let Him lead our lives, then how can I be proactive? I've always been told by my Mom that God helps those who help themselves. So how am I to know when I am not helping myself?
Is being on Match.com against the rules? Should I be patiently waiting on God to bring me a man instead of putting my antennae out there? I struggle with that sometimes. I want to have a man in my life that loves me, that I can love, but more importantly who loves God just as much as me, if not more. I haven't had any luck thus far. It's been about 5 months, and I'm about to cash in on their 6 month guarantee. You watch.
I believe that He is working on me still. He knows that I'm not at a point in my life that I can fully give someone else the love they need, and I am not fully capable to receive it. Some might think they are, and they stay in these destructive relationships for years, ignoring the obvious because they are too afraid to be alone. They don't want to start over. It's pretty scary to start over for most people, me included. I stayed in a loveless relationship for 6 years of my life. Then went on to another for another 3 years. For what? All because I was too afraid that my heart might hurt a little? My schedule might change? My child will miss him? There's a common excuse for many people. But the fact about that is this. Kids are resilient, much more than adults are. They forget quicker, and they don't understand the ramifications of a break-up because they don't know what true love is. So using that as an excuse is lame. Sorry to say it. The effects of staying in an unloving relationship until your kids grow up and are able to understand what true love is, is far more damaging and will require much more psychological attention in the long run.
I was concerned that my circle of friends would be broken, and it was. I was worried that I wouldn't do the same unGodly things that I did, you know what I'm talking about here, and I didn't. Let's be honest here. It's not sex that we crave. It's love. It's someone who cares about your well being. It's knowing that someone is there for you when you fall on your face. It's having someone help you brush yourself off and boost you up when you are too timid to try again. I crave that. I don't crave sex, and God tells us that sex before marriage is not the way. He doesn't say that there won't be incredible temptation. He doesn't say that it doesn't feel good. It does; we all know it does.
I'm trying to help myself trust Him more with everything in my being. Sex is something that, like most people, married and single, I like. And knowing that He doesn't want me to do it before I get married makes it even harder to do it. It makes it unpleasant even, when normally it would be great. I'm not speaking of anything recent here, just saying that since I have really started injecting God's word into my life, I have been a changed woman. I make better decisions. I think more logically. And I trust Him certainly more than I ever did. As soon as I can fully surrender to Him, I will be in much better shape though. I'm looking to make myself better, and in the process help a few others make themselves better.

Thanks for reading my blog. I appreciate every one's active interest in what little ole Brooke has to say.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Cherilyn, I miss you.

I am missing my friend right now who was brutally killed at the hands of some unknown criminal who undoubtedly is wreaking havoc somewhere either behind bars or loose on the streets, provided he isn't dead already. I didn't attend her funeral because I couldn't find the write-up anywhere- not online, not in the local paper, not word of mouth. We hadn't seen each other in probably 5 years, maybe 10. I don't remember.
She was a staple in my life when I was in junior high, and then came in and out of my life when the time was right.
We got in a lot of trouble together, so much trouble that I can't even talk about it to this day with my mom. We can however, talk about her death, about how untimely it was, how young she was, about how her parents must still be devastated, but because of her mother's strong faith, she is probably doing better than her father, whose faith I am unsure of. Regardless, they both have bleeding hearts and I'm sure that Christmas has never been the same.
This is the girl who convinced me to frost my bangs in 7th grade. It was no coincidence that she went on to become a hairdresser. She cut my hair a few times for free at her mother's house, which incidentally, was very close to my parent's new house out at the lake.
We grew up in the same neighborhood for many years, and then when we were both in our early twenties, both of our parents moved out to the lake, and lived in about a ten minute proximity from one another. It felt really good at the time to know that my good friend lived nearby even though I was still in college, and living in another city.
She visited me quite a bit while I was in school. My house was about as big as a booger, but it was always full of people, some more than others, and looking back now, I should have probably said no more to the out of town guest's requests for visits. I may have graduated college had I been stricter with my personal time. Either way, I had fun, and I'm not ashamed, nor regretful.
Cherilyn and I double dated a lot, if you can call them dates. It was more like, go to David's house and play quarters, or run around the club scene. We we were always doing something.
She was the one who convinced me to pay my last $20 to dangle from a ridiculous height, from an even thinner cord that somehow suspended both of us, and insisted that I pull the cord, which would release us to our most certain death, at least that's what I felt in that single moment. "I'm going to die, and I'm only 15. And it's Cherilyn's fault."
Everything was her fault. She was the instigator. She was the fun one, the wild one, the stupid one. I can just imagine what happened in that hotel room that day that she and 3 others were shot to death. She ran her mouth. She said something to the wrong person and BAM! Her life ended.
I found out that same night it happened. My mother called me and told me once more, "Brooke, I have some really, really bad news." I had just bought my new home and Sarah was sleeping soundly, without a baby monitor present mind you, in her recycled brown wooden crib that I had just bought from an extremely nice Indian couple living and working temporarily in Charlotte for BOA, because working locally, they say, they got paid more. I later had to give the mattress away because it smelled like curry. No joke.
I sat there, at the top of my stairs, and stared out the window at the tree. I couldn't believe it. My friend, my best friend, was no longer around to call. She was no longer alive. And I had plans for her to meet my new daughter soon. I hadn't made contact with her, but I knew that day would come.
It didn't. It couldn't now. I would never see her again, with her tall, lanky ass, with her over bleached blond straight hair, with her beautiful almond eyes, and long fingers which held her Virginia Slims so effeminately.
She made smoking look cool. She looked elegant, and sophisticated, like a model in a 1950s commercial.
She was tall enough and thin enough to be a model, but I could only imagine her demeanor on set. A Primadonna. "Have that little bitch get it for me. That little fat one." That sounds so mean when I type it, but if you knew her at all, you would know that she wasn't malevolent at all. She may have been feisty, but she wouldn't have ever hurt anyone deliberately. But she said some funny shit. She kept me rolling, and there were jokes that we had hundreds of revisits to throughout our twenty year friendship, that would have definitely made it another forty, had we both been fortunate enough to live that long.
One time her mom barged in her room to yell at Cherilyn for something she had done, only she was topless and braless, droopy boobs, which I heard she had fixed later down the line, flopping around every which way. She stood there pointing her finger, and every time she shook it, her boobs jiggled more. We laughed hysterically after she finished her rant and finally left. That was how close I was with her and her family- her mom would walk around topless in front of me. I solemnly promise to Sarah right now, I will never scream at her with my boobs hanging out.
I pronounced her name wrong for years, until at age 25 she finally corrected me. I always said CheriLYN. It was actually pronounced, CHERilyn. She let me mispronounce her name for all those years. I guess she liked the way I pronounced it, either that, or she just didn't mind. That's how cool she was.
I could go on and on and on with stories. But I'll spare you.
Her mother somehow knew. She knew that Cherilyn would die at a young age. She would never admit that. That was her daughter, her firstborn, her baby. She would never admit to knowing that Cherilyn was destined for early death, but I know she knew. I felt like we all did.
Just like when my younger brother died at the young age of 20. I knew. My mom knew. I can't explain it, but it was like God was preparing me for it, preparing us for it, those of us who were listening, and I don't know that I was holding out my ear for what God had to say at that time in my life- probably not come to think of it.
I know that sounds morbid, and many people won't understand that. I'm sorry for even saying it, as it sounds prophetic.
Cherilyn had a great family. She had a younger sister, who I'm sure misses her tremendously. Although she might not have been the perfect roll model for a sibling ten years younger, she emitted the perfect love. And although Cherilyn wasn't the queen of making good decisions, she was a good friend nonetheless. I miss her.
She was the kinda gal that you could miss for ten years, bump into at a grocery store, and it was like you never missed a beat. All those years shaved off instantly.

Those kind of friends are the kind that you don't ever let go of.

I have cried many tears for her, and although we hadn't seen each other in ages, I felt like I had lost a family member who I positively interacted with on a daily basis. I will see her again one day, and tell her how much I missed her. But until then, I will have a bank of fond memories to recall when I think of her. I'm proud that I had the chance to know Cherilyn Crawford.

Friday, January 6, 2012

New Year's Resolution recognized....Letter #5

Dear Colette,

As a part of my New Year's resolution to make drastic, healthy changes in my life, I decided to include you. I have reason to believe that you are my birthmother. I have a feeling that you knew this day would come, but what I don't know is how you will react to my finding you.

Over the past 4 months since I've been aware of your existance, and whereabouts, I've been given lots of advice on how to handle this, mostly from loving family members or friends who genuinely care about me. I've taken all I've heard and read about to the heart, but will do what I feel is right because at the end of the day, it's my life.

But, it's also your life. And God placed us together for a reason. But it could also be argued that he placed apart for a reason. I try not to figure out His moves because I get too sidelined, and realized that He is the ultimate decision-maker, and I am just a fart in the wind.

So, after painstakingly hard decisions, I've decided to write you a letter instead of calling you directly. If you are going to shock someone, shock them gently. I heard that there's risk of heart attack in your side of the family, and I would hate to attend your funeral before I attend Thanksgiving. That was a joke just in case you were wondering.

I would like to meet you, and my other biological family. At first, I thought that I would leave it up to you to decide whether or not you wanted me to intrude or not, but having known myself, and I am pretty true to form, as you'll find out, I am letting you know now, that I plan on making some form of contact with the others whether you like it or not, because I feel like that's my right as a human being. Just because you made a mistake, I should not have to live in your shroud forever. And I hate to call myself a mistake, but after thinking about it over and over and over, hahah, there are a lot of people in the world who are mistakes. My daughter, for instance, is the most beautiful mistake I've ever made.

I feel it neccessary to say that because, in the event that you decide that meeting me might not be something you are willing to do, it's something that I feel I deserve, and I don't feel like I deserve a lot in life. It's not my personality to feel owed.  Having lived a wonderful life comparibly to the poor children and adults who never received love at all, having grown up in orphanages and unloving foster homes, I don't feel the absolute need to meet you and the rest, but I don't think I can put to words how much my soul would love to find others who are my genetic predispositions.

Please make contact with me when you have the strength and will to do so. It took me over four months and a lot of brainstorming and writing to get the courage to send this. I'll understand if you take a few months, but please also know, that I am patiently waiting. This is a long overdue meeting that will be nothing but incredible for both of us.

You need me. You have missed me and wondered about me all of your adult life, and if you haven't then there's something wrong with you. Another joke. Now it's your turn.

With love and heartfelt gratitude, your birthdaughter,
Brooke

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2012 barged in

A new year. A new you. That's what most optimistic Americans seems to agree upon. A season of change will undoubtedly run its very short, almost invisible course through the hamburger clogged veins of modern society. How long will these resolutions last, these unabridged attempts at unveiling a younger, newer S type version of yourself? Just how long will it last I wonder.
Well, I guess it truly depends on the level of optimism one has, coupled with ambitious drive and I even hate to say this word, but I think naivety plays a small part in the resolution onslaught that will unfold at record speeds before most of our squinting eyes.
Instead of taking on one thing at a time, I've noticed that Americans in particular, seem to think that they can take on all their problems at one fell swoop of a ticking time clock,  probably as a result of our aggressively over-zealous and conceited tendencies, which increasingly seem to be the world at large's opinion of Americans, and not too far off from the truth in my opinion. The ticking hand is more of a ticking time bomb when it comes to resolutions.
Instead of trying to change one thing at a time, most of us have ridiculous aspirations, that turn out to be just that- an aspiration, having never been recognized as truth in our lives. We try to take on these "whole life alterations, " as a friend called his January 1 demand he has placed so rigidly on himself. He will most assuredly fail. Sorry buddy.
I'm not cynical when I say that, because fact alone will show, and I don't have the exact figures or the article it came from, but it's fact that when one person takes on multiple challenges at one specific time, it is highly improbable to expect that he succeeds in all aspects of the challenge. How do I know this? Duh. I've lived it.
I've done it before. I've failed with flying colors. I've made success look evil. I've made losing look like winning before, and guess what.
It's all been in that one month that everyone thinks they will be a winner- January. Most of us have.
I have made claims that I will lose twenty pounds, quit smoking cigarettes and pot (at the same time), quit drinking altogether, exercise 5 times a week. Who does that? OK don't answer that, I know people who do, and they are perfectly fine in my book, but truth be told- when it's our time to go, it's our time to go, and no amount of  running in 25 degree weather with your black or yellow lab, or racquetball at the Y with gay Mike, or weight lifting at 6pm when the gym is chock full of stressed out, over-worked, prematurely balding bankers, no amount of working your scrawny or muscular body will change that.
We have all made claims that we will change something in our lives, and if we are smart we have realized that those things that we are trying to change are vices grips holding our lives. We realize that these weights that we carry around our necks, these burdens on our souls that we can't seem to let go of, are doing nothing for us, but helping us to sink at a much faster rate.
We are all sinking in this life. It comes with the territory. It's just a  matter of who will swim against the current faster and harder, and who wants to free themselves of burdens, and who is willing to be slowed by theirs.
True, we all have good intentions, at least the people that I like to be around do. We want the best for ourselves, or we wouldn't even try to set a resolution. Hopefully, we want the best for each other, and helping our friends reach their goals and make resolutions a reality can be a resolution we can all achieve.
If you have a friend who is making it a goal of his to stop drinking, don't be that guy who asks him to go out for an IPA after work. If you have a friend who is wanting to lose weight, encourage him to get to the gym instead of playing Xbox for four hours. More importantly, if I want to make it a resolution to have a daily routine in my life, give me tips on how you do it. I have no idea.
So, like most Americans who suffer from the normal American cockiness,  I'm taking on multiple challenges this year. I'm lumping all my resolutions into one word- routine.
Routine can be defined as doing a number of activities in the same order everyday. So instead of taking on multiple resolutions this year, I, like most Americans who give a shit, will try to take on a new routine. Granted, that routine might include not doing this, and doing more of that, and eliminating that and increasing this, but I will try my damnedest, like most other people I know and love, to keep to my resolution for 2012.

Happy freaking 2012!
Quick clarification: I successfully resolved putting any sort of smoke in my lungs years ago. If I can do it, you can do it.

Vital records

Vital records