Dear Colette,
I'm going to preface this letter with this: I intend on being completely honest right now. It doesn't happen daily and I don't think I'd be lying if I said that most people aren't honest routinely with the people they love the most. I don't obviously love you the most. I would like to know you enough to love you though.
I don't know if you have any idea what it has been like for me my whole life- the wondering where I came from, the being clueless to who I am because I never felt like I fit in, always feeling like a Viagra commercial- you know it's coming, you just don't know when. Genetics is no joke.
I'm not going to bore you with the hum-drum normalness that you probably fully expected to hear from someone like me, someone like your daughter that you don't know and have rejected a few times now, so Ill try to keep this interesting.
I am trying to be positive and patient regarding you and what possibilities we might have together, but I want you to know that it's getting hard. I know that life is sometimes a blood sucker. People are blood suckers. And I often find myself stuck in evil webs people weave. I weave them sometimes. No one's perfect. Sometimes, I find myself wanting to linger in bed a little too long on Saturday morning when Sarah is crying to me that she can't reach the top shelf for the cereal that I should be serving her, while I'm more concentrated on getting that crack in the curtains covered because I stayed up too late the night before. My Mom has called me 3 times by noon, leaving messages that include words and phrases like, "worried" and "please call me when you can." She's got guilt inducing down to a science without any intention of it at all, I'm sure. I want to crawl under my desk at work on most days, and the days that I don't, I can't explain why I feel so good. Hormones are nothing to joke around about either. And from what I hear, they never go away, except when you wish they would stay longer. So, I'll say I get irritated just as easily and I run out of patience just as quick as the next girl. OK, I might have slightly more patience. I'll give myself that. But I am easily swayed. Probably very true.
I'm telling you these things about me, so that you will understand somewhat what I am like- how I am, how my brain operates, and hopefully, so that you might have some inkling of relation to any of it. Like I said before, genetics is no joke.
There are lots of things I would like to share with you about who I am, about what my life has been like growing up versus my adult life, my family life, my friends, my love life, my career, the evolution of who I am, who I identify myself as. These are things that I find it hard to understand that you wouldn't care about even 36 years later. I know that you have moved on. I know that it was unimaginably hard for you to move on with your life after my birth. I had a friend, who sadly died at a young age from an asthma attack, Danielle, who gave a child up for adoption at age 19. She didn't get over it. She died at 25 probably. And I have no doubt that her pain put her in an early grave. It did that to my father too, when my younger brother died at age 20. I was amazingly OK. I knew that God was with me, and my faith, even though I didn't go to church regularly, and didn't live my life the right way, was strong enough to carry me through the pain. I don't know if you ever lost anyone at a young age...maybe me, actually. OK, I imagine you are aware of the pain associated with loss. Anyway...I'm not here to make you cry. I'd rather make you SMILE!
I want you to realize that people will forgive you. People love you. Despite their lack of understanding on a deeper level at times, or despite yours, people actually love you, and love entails forgiveness, and reminding them of their need for forgiveness is OK....even if it does play on their occasionally overlooked guilt. =) I'm not suggesting you guilt trip everyone- just your sons, and maybe brothers and sisters. That's a semi-joke.
If I can please confess something: I haven't told my mom that I wrote to you, now three times. I don't want her to feel threatened or upset for me, or worse, upset for herself- in fear that I may love her any less, or you more. I have told most everyone else. I understand your need for figuring things out, but when the time comes, I am ready to tell my mother that I will be meeting you, if that's your choice. (I hope it is, or you will receive a lot of hate mail from me. just kidding, kind of) She will understand because she loves me regardless of the stupid things I have done in my life, and regardless of the impending future of stupidity that might suffocate the good choices- just as your family will probably understand that you were scared and alone feeling, and although you might not have been, and never may actually have been alone except in your mind, they have probably felt the same way, and will most likely be understanding. And, this might sound bitchy, but if they are not understanding and loving of your situation, they might be assholes to begin with- negating any real reason for inhibition.
I hope you can understand that I have my own life already. I have a family. I have a daughter. I have a good job, with a company that loves me (We (me and Allie) called you one day and pretended we were donating money...I'm sorry. Allie wanted me to apologize to you about the $500.00 donation you never received. I had to hear your voice at least since I've never seen you in person. Forgive me for being so intrusive. If it was me, I would be flattered. You might be scared, but I'm not scary. I'm still your daughter. I can't be THAT weird. Well, I don't know you...=))
Nancy doesn't think I'm weird. Although she refuses to talk to me anymore. I'm guessing that's because you blew up at her. What was she to do? Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine you had the chance to reunite loved ones who never had the chance to know each other....you wouldn't do it? You wouldn't think twice, take a chance, do what you felt was right in your heart? You can't be angry at someone who did what you would have done given the chance.
I would be surprised if you wouldn't. That's your prerogative. It was hers. She felt like she was doing what was right at the time. And if you can get past that, past your hiding, past your pain, you can realize that nothing in this world is done maliciously without God having his beautiful hands on it fixing it just as quickly, and, me finding you was never set out with malicious intent- know that.
I hope that you can sit here and read this note with an open heart and likewise spirit. I want you to beable to get past your reservations and find strength to acknowledge that you made a very hard decision many years ago, that you knew it would always haunt you. I don't want to be a ghost. Please acknowledge me. I respect you. Please respect my feelings. I am hanging on the vine here. Please acknowledge that you got this. I love suspense novels, and am reading the widely acclaimed 50 Shades of Gray, but c'mon....I keep feeling left out in the cold...Please let me in....
Brooke
I'm going to preface this letter with this: I intend on being completely honest right now. It doesn't happen daily and I don't think I'd be lying if I said that most people aren't honest routinely with the people they love the most. I don't obviously love you the most. I would like to know you enough to love you though.
I don't know if you have any idea what it has been like for me my whole life- the wondering where I came from, the being clueless to who I am because I never felt like I fit in, always feeling like a Viagra commercial- you know it's coming, you just don't know when. Genetics is no joke.
I'm not going to bore you with the hum-drum normalness that you probably fully expected to hear from someone like me, someone like your daughter that you don't know and have rejected a few times now, so Ill try to keep this interesting.
I am trying to be positive and patient regarding you and what possibilities we might have together, but I want you to know that it's getting hard. I know that life is sometimes a blood sucker. People are blood suckers. And I often find myself stuck in evil webs people weave. I weave them sometimes. No one's perfect. Sometimes, I find myself wanting to linger in bed a little too long on Saturday morning when Sarah is crying to me that she can't reach the top shelf for the cereal that I should be serving her, while I'm more concentrated on getting that crack in the curtains covered because I stayed up too late the night before. My Mom has called me 3 times by noon, leaving messages that include words and phrases like, "worried" and "please call me when you can." She's got guilt inducing down to a science without any intention of it at all, I'm sure. I want to crawl under my desk at work on most days, and the days that I don't, I can't explain why I feel so good. Hormones are nothing to joke around about either. And from what I hear, they never go away, except when you wish they would stay longer. So, I'll say I get irritated just as easily and I run out of patience just as quick as the next girl. OK, I might have slightly more patience. I'll give myself that. But I am easily swayed. Probably very true.
I'm telling you these things about me, so that you will understand somewhat what I am like- how I am, how my brain operates, and hopefully, so that you might have some inkling of relation to any of it. Like I said before, genetics is no joke.
There are lots of things I would like to share with you about who I am, about what my life has been like growing up versus my adult life, my family life, my friends, my love life, my career, the evolution of who I am, who I identify myself as. These are things that I find it hard to understand that you wouldn't care about even 36 years later. I know that you have moved on. I know that it was unimaginably hard for you to move on with your life after my birth. I had a friend, who sadly died at a young age from an asthma attack, Danielle, who gave a child up for adoption at age 19. She didn't get over it. She died at 25 probably. And I have no doubt that her pain put her in an early grave. It did that to my father too, when my younger brother died at age 20. I was amazingly OK. I knew that God was with me, and my faith, even though I didn't go to church regularly, and didn't live my life the right way, was strong enough to carry me through the pain. I don't know if you ever lost anyone at a young age...maybe me, actually. OK, I imagine you are aware of the pain associated with loss. Anyway...I'm not here to make you cry. I'd rather make you SMILE!
I want you to realize that people will forgive you. People love you. Despite their lack of understanding on a deeper level at times, or despite yours, people actually love you, and love entails forgiveness, and reminding them of their need for forgiveness is OK....even if it does play on their occasionally overlooked guilt. =) I'm not suggesting you guilt trip everyone- just your sons, and maybe brothers and sisters. That's a semi-joke.
If I can please confess something: I haven't told my mom that I wrote to you, now three times. I don't want her to feel threatened or upset for me, or worse, upset for herself- in fear that I may love her any less, or you more. I have told most everyone else. I understand your need for figuring things out, but when the time comes, I am ready to tell my mother that I will be meeting you, if that's your choice. (I hope it is, or you will receive a lot of hate mail from me. just kidding, kind of) She will understand because she loves me regardless of the stupid things I have done in my life, and regardless of the impending future of stupidity that might suffocate the good choices- just as your family will probably understand that you were scared and alone feeling, and although you might not have been, and never may actually have been alone except in your mind, they have probably felt the same way, and will most likely be understanding. And, this might sound bitchy, but if they are not understanding and loving of your situation, they might be assholes to begin with- negating any real reason for inhibition.
I hope you can understand that I have my own life already. I have a family. I have a daughter. I have a good job, with a company that loves me (We (me and Allie) called you one day and pretended we were donating money...I'm sorry. Allie wanted me to apologize to you about the $500.00 donation you never received. I had to hear your voice at least since I've never seen you in person. Forgive me for being so intrusive. If it was me, I would be flattered. You might be scared, but I'm not scary. I'm still your daughter. I can't be THAT weird. Well, I don't know you...=))
Nancy doesn't think I'm weird. Although she refuses to talk to me anymore. I'm guessing that's because you blew up at her. What was she to do? Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine you had the chance to reunite loved ones who never had the chance to know each other....you wouldn't do it? You wouldn't think twice, take a chance, do what you felt was right in your heart? You can't be angry at someone who did what you would have done given the chance.
I would be surprised if you wouldn't. That's your prerogative. It was hers. She felt like she was doing what was right at the time. And if you can get past that, past your hiding, past your pain, you can realize that nothing in this world is done maliciously without God having his beautiful hands on it fixing it just as quickly, and, me finding you was never set out with malicious intent- know that.
I hope that you can sit here and read this note with an open heart and likewise spirit. I want you to beable to get past your reservations and find strength to acknowledge that you made a very hard decision many years ago, that you knew it would always haunt you. I don't want to be a ghost. Please acknowledge me. I respect you. Please respect my feelings. I am hanging on the vine here. Please acknowledge that you got this. I love suspense novels, and am reading the widely acclaimed 50 Shades of Gray, but c'mon....I keep feeling left out in the cold...Please let me in....
Brooke
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