It's hard to get back to the drawing board when you have lost all inspiration to draw. But then I wonder if it's the inspiration that one has lost, or is it drive to continue the chase. I'm referring to writing in this instance. I'm sure you have your own devices.
At some point you resign.
You realize that resistance is futile and you are wasting your time, which is meant for good. You're wasting your time on things that do nothing for you, but bring you down.
So you move on. You pick up your things and you try to move on, but somewhere packed in that baggage that weighs more than the allotted $25 per carry on, you realize that you have things in your bag that are weighing you down, and it's high time you start shedding. You begin to unload. You make changes. The layers peel off, and you begin to feel lighter and more excited for what is to come, and less worried about what hasn't happened.
I think I'm finally at that point, and it's freeing. I'm at the point that I don't want to go back to the nonsense of wondering and wasting time contemplating what has not happened, and begin to focus on what is happening.
As far as my life lately...things have been good. Very good. I came across a gold mine of history/artifacts, that believe it or not, has nothing to do with my birth family. Aside from that, I decided to buy a new car- call it my mid-life wonder car- I'm not having a crisis. A Benz. You only live once, drive a nice car while you can, but only if it makes you feel good. I have to be honest, sometimes I worry about the payments, but I realize that money never comes into my hands to start with. It goes into some mysterious account in the sky, and then it transfers and does its thing. I rarely ever see it or touch it. So why get worried about it?
I was driving an old, beat-up, 16 year-old car with over 200K miles on it, and one day I just decided, why not? Get something for you. Call me crazy. I don't care. I don't have time to worry about what others think about me.
I also am going to be permanent in my job soon. I have been in a contractor status pretty much since I started with Accenture, which has been nothing shy of great actually. I get the time off I need, without any complaining, and I don't need to push it against my PTO, and then have that to worry about....Am I using all my PTO? Am I looking bad for taking the time off? Probabaly not in either instance...But It feels good not to worry about it still.
I also came into love. Yes, Love. I can't explain it, I can't write it out, describe it, label it, spin it. It's just there. And I think I'm finally in love with someone. A real person. I would say it's been years. Maybe 39 years. I don't know if it's what I think it is, or if I'm being too generous. Regardless, I feel great about it, and I'm not going to let some stinking fear of the unknown get in the way of it. I'm not resigning to fear. If I did that, I'd lose, and I'm not willing to lose now. So I will continue in this bubble, and I will unabashedly say the words, "I love you" because I feel it. I mean it. It's real, and it's there.
In fact, today I just burst out with it. It just slipped out of my mouth, when I was saying goodbye. I wasn't planning to reveal anything so deep yet, but then I thought more about it after the fact, and realized that love is an action- not a word. And if someone makes me feel loved, and I can express it in return, then that's what it means to me. It might actually be fleeting, like the poets say. Hopefully, though, it's not in this time. I'm happy, and that's what is important. That's what we live for right?
And lastly, I wanted to share with everyone, that I have finally come to terms with my birth mother not wanting anything to do with me. I won't lie and say that it's painless. It's not, but I am finally accepting of it. If I say that enough times, it will sink in. That's what I am programming myself to think. Maybe I'm not accepting yet, but I will be ok. I know that to be true.
I know that I have the power to make things happen in this world, and I WILL make things happen. Life will be beautiful. Because I will it to be beautiful. I expect great things, and I learn from the pain. So either way you look at it, life is worth every breath.
I challenge you to do the same, and recognize that you too, have that power. It's a magnificent leap. I give the glory to God in all that happens, in all that works out, and the things that don't.
At some point you resign.
You realize that resistance is futile and you are wasting your time, which is meant for good. You're wasting your time on things that do nothing for you, but bring you down.
So you move on. You pick up your things and you try to move on, but somewhere packed in that baggage that weighs more than the allotted $25 per carry on, you realize that you have things in your bag that are weighing you down, and it's high time you start shedding. You begin to unload. You make changes. The layers peel off, and you begin to feel lighter and more excited for what is to come, and less worried about what hasn't happened.
I think I'm finally at that point, and it's freeing. I'm at the point that I don't want to go back to the nonsense of wondering and wasting time contemplating what has not happened, and begin to focus on what is happening.
As far as my life lately...things have been good. Very good. I came across a gold mine of history/artifacts, that believe it or not, has nothing to do with my birth family. Aside from that, I decided to buy a new car- call it my mid-life wonder car- I'm not having a crisis. A Benz. You only live once, drive a nice car while you can, but only if it makes you feel good. I have to be honest, sometimes I worry about the payments, but I realize that money never comes into my hands to start with. It goes into some mysterious account in the sky, and then it transfers and does its thing. I rarely ever see it or touch it. So why get worried about it?
I was driving an old, beat-up, 16 year-old car with over 200K miles on it, and one day I just decided, why not? Get something for you. Call me crazy. I don't care. I don't have time to worry about what others think about me.
I also am going to be permanent in my job soon. I have been in a contractor status pretty much since I started with Accenture, which has been nothing shy of great actually. I get the time off I need, without any complaining, and I don't need to push it against my PTO, and then have that to worry about....Am I using all my PTO? Am I looking bad for taking the time off? Probabaly not in either instance...But It feels good not to worry about it still.
I also came into love. Yes, Love. I can't explain it, I can't write it out, describe it, label it, spin it. It's just there. And I think I'm finally in love with someone. A real person. I would say it's been years. Maybe 39 years. I don't know if it's what I think it is, or if I'm being too generous. Regardless, I feel great about it, and I'm not going to let some stinking fear of the unknown get in the way of it. I'm not resigning to fear. If I did that, I'd lose, and I'm not willing to lose now. So I will continue in this bubble, and I will unabashedly say the words, "I love you" because I feel it. I mean it. It's real, and it's there.
In fact, today I just burst out with it. It just slipped out of my mouth, when I was saying goodbye. I wasn't planning to reveal anything so deep yet, but then I thought more about it after the fact, and realized that love is an action- not a word. And if someone makes me feel loved, and I can express it in return, then that's what it means to me. It might actually be fleeting, like the poets say. Hopefully, though, it's not in this time. I'm happy, and that's what is important. That's what we live for right?
And lastly, I wanted to share with everyone, that I have finally come to terms with my birth mother not wanting anything to do with me. I won't lie and say that it's painless. It's not, but I am finally accepting of it. If I say that enough times, it will sink in. That's what I am programming myself to think. Maybe I'm not accepting yet, but I will be ok. I know that to be true.
I know that I have the power to make things happen in this world, and I WILL make things happen. Life will be beautiful. Because I will it to be beautiful. I expect great things, and I learn from the pain. So either way you look at it, life is worth every breath.
I challenge you to do the same, and recognize that you too, have that power. It's a magnificent leap. I give the glory to God in all that happens, in all that works out, and the things that don't.
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