I emailed Colette Friday, and I regret it.

I am pushy by nature. In my haste, I occasionally find myself thinking back and regretting things I've done, because I wasn't thinking all the way through. It's a bad habit. I am impulsive and brash, even abrasive. But, just as soon as I get out the words that I later regret, I feel bad. I think there are a lot of people who wish they had bigger balls to say the things that they think, but they hold it in for fear of whatever- rejection comes to mind mainly. But I am the opposite, I wish my filter would work more. I wish for it to just kick in on autopilot, and take over control of my mouth sometimes. At any rate, I emailed my birth mother last Friday, in a short-lived (again regretful) fit of impatience. This is what I said:

I apologize for informally emailing, but the thought occurred to me that you might not have received the card I sent you. If you didn’t, I guess you will be wondering who this is.  It doesn’t have to be awkward though. Before you write me off, if that’s your intention, please call Karen G at the CHS in Greensboro. She is very insightful, and helped me to understand a lot and put things in  different perspectives for me. She has been a tremendous help to me. Fridays always pique my interest in you for some reason, and similarly, are the occasional days that I speak with Karen (or email). Being Friday, I thought of you. I have never forgotten you.

I added at the end, Karen's contact info, but for Karen's privacy, I deleted it here. I signed my name, Brooke. And that was that.

I also let Karen know by blind copying her that Colette might be making a voyage call. This was a series of our emails. They are pretty interesting if you ask someone who cares, like myself. Here's the trail:

Hi Brooke –

Just wanted to let you know that I got your blind cc of the email to Colette.  I’m happy to speak with her, if she should call, and I need to let you know that I can’t tell you if she does call me, unless she says it’s okay. 

Do you have any idea what area code she may call from, so that I have little head’s up if she does call?  I’m not in a real office now, and receive calls on a cell, so sometimes I’m out and about when I get a call. 

I understand. I just thought I would let you know. I would think 910. I’m sorry to throw you under the bus like that, but I thought you might add value to the situation and possibly calm her nerves if she is nervous or anxious. You can tell her anything about me.

Not under the bus at all!  Sometimes it helps to have a clearly defined place to lead someone to. 

I never heard anything back. I wonder if she never thought this day would come, that I would be her dirty little secret, that I would live in her shroud forever. I’m trying to stay positive, but email is email. It’s immediate. I know what you’re thinking- that I need to look at it from her perspective. But dang, it’s hard. I’ve been patient, but she’s had 36 years already to prepare. She had to have known. She’s got intuition. We all do. It’s the Holy Spirit.

I wish I had the magic words to make this all work out for both of you.  You’ve put the invitation out there, and done what you could to welcome her.  I just hate it when nobody RSVPs.

Again, we’ve had birth mothers respond two months, six months, a year, two years after being originally contacted.  Shame and guilt are such strong forces.

Keep the faith, Brooke, and not in a wish-upon-a-star way, but in the loving way that brings you both to peace – admittedly, loads harder to practice!  Perhaps you could set the intention to send out the same unconditional loving kindness you need from her.  Maybe making it an active practice – put post-it notes on your computer, set your phone alarm to make a moment, reflect at stop lights.  Sometimes this is hard to do with someone you have conflict with, so it can help to begin to practice with someone or something you feel more positive or neutral about – like a neighbor or a cat – as the focus, and then work toward the target person.  Just an idea, and something active to channel those questions and head-chatter towards.

Hope you have a good day,

Karen

Good ideas. When I really think about it, and not just FEEL about it, I feel deeply concerned for her. I’ve been trying to be led by logic and not emotions in my daily life. It’s hard to remember that all the time. But I think somehow I’m much better off than most when it comes to this particular situation. I have some idea of what she must be feeling- I’m guessing a myriad of emotions are surfacing. Hopefully, she can abandon her feelings of doubt and shame and guilt long enough to see that this can be a good thing, and if not, then I will have to come with grips because I can’t force myself on her.  I would just like to hear something. If even just a “leave me alone”. That way I can start processing the rejection and decide from what I will take from this experience.

Led by logic….led by logic….

You’re awesome still.

Thanks, Karen.

You know, it’s really a sign of grace when I can’t help someone with what they truly want, and that person is still grateful.  Thanks for that.

I feel like you can never get enough feel good stuff in your life. I live for it, and thrive off of it. I hope you do too. Sometimes I get discouraged though, like everyone else does. Hence...

It's Tuesday afternoon. I haven't heard anything yet. I didn't really expect to, which makes me wonder why I even did it. What was I thinking? Did I think i could rush her into a response? I could bully her into responding? I could scare her into submission? Whatever my motivation, whatever it was at 12:01 on Friday 5/18/12 while I was sitting in my cube in the sky, whatever it was that was making my skin crawl when I thought about Colette, caused me again, to feel remorse. 

Time is man-made.  I know it. You know it. And, the amount of time that it takes one person to get over something might be entirely different from the time it takes another to get over the exact same thing. I am thankful for that aspect of time, for the way that God decided it would be a good idea to make us all different as well. It probably helps a lot.

Karen is wonderful. I can't say enough good things about her, and at the end of all the emails that we exchange, mostly when I know it's a last one for a while, I always end by telling her how great she is. Everyone needs to be reminded of their value. Whether it's self-inflicted or otherwise.

 

Telling People Won't be Easy for Colette

I know I said I was going to retire the blog. Yes, this one- the one that I find so reeling when I re-read. I'm almost left speechless at myself when I go back and read it- not because of the content, but of the personal struggle that I've overcome. I use that word loosely here because I wouldn't say I've overcome anything just yet- hence I'm back to writing.

It's been over a month since I dropped the card in the mail. I have yet to hear anything from Colette. Naturally, I have been thinking about all the different ways that she might be feeling right now. I'm thinking in terms of angles. I'm thinking about all the reasons she has to avoid the net. (I'm the net in this instance.) She's swimming against the current at this point, but she's swimming with it at the same time. It's like she's in one of those Endless Pools where you stay in one place but you get the feeling like you are moving at record speeds or practically drowning.

One major obstacle she could be facing includes telling her sons, her brother, whom I was told she hid her pregnancy from for whatever convoluted reason, which makes me think I'm not so sure I would even care to meet someone that scary, her friends, her co-workers, whomever. about me. Telling people is a huge deal. Oh, by the way, I had a baby 36 years ago that I hid from the world and tried to forget about instantaneously. I'm going to meet her for the first time. Gawk. How in the heck does someone respond to that? Oh that's great! Let me know how that turns out for you?!?... I can see that awkwardness forming in the face of a furrowed brow and widened eyes, and lips pursing like they just sucked a lemon. And the red cheeks. You can't forget the red cheeks. Head cocked to the side, with a neck that's as stiff as an arrow is pointed. That look is unmistakable. It's the look of shocking surprise.

The fact of the matter lies here. People don't know how to respond to matters of the heart and their reactions often reflect their lack of awareness. It takes a special person to know how to react and respond in a caring and understanding manner to hearing news that possibly involves pain and suffering of a friend or loved one. That's why we all aren't in caring fields. Many of us just don't know how to react to the pain that others suffer from. We are so used to cowarding to pain, to suppressing it, to running to the bathroom, or crying in our cars that when it's straight in our faces, we don't know how to deal with our onslaught of immediate emotions.We can barely heal ourselves, hardly understand our own anxiety or depressions, and most likely reflecting on pain is not something we are good at in our own lives- much less in the lives of others.

So, in thinking of how amazingly hard it will be for Colette to take the first step in admitting that I am alive and well to herself and to others, I am now realizing that this is a process that will be started in stages and with baby steps- kind of like the house remodel I just went through. OMG. It took me going through that to realize that what Colette will go through will be similar to that. It was pure Hell.

But, we all know that the very first baby step is HUGE. It's monumental. And her first step will be also. I have no doubt in my mind that she has been preparing herself for all the different reactions she will be faced with. Telling people you have a child that they've never known about is not easy. It's just like you see on Maury. I'm sure jaws drop and mouths get covered by nervous hands, eyes bulge, and there are many questions to follow.

This is a process. It's not something quick. It's not a drive through. It's the Morton's of all love. It's the beginning of a highway. And what in the world was I thinking trying to put a halt to this blog?  This is only just the beginning. I'd say I've only gone 25% at this point. And it took this long to get this far...

More to come.

Exercising your Democratic Demons- VOTE TODAY

I know, voting has little to nothing to do with my adoption, but exercising your right to vote has everything to do with being American. I encourage everyone to vote today AGAINST Amendment One. You might be thinking, "and you claim to be Christian?" You might be thinking, "that is against the sanctity of marriage". WRONG. It's for LOVE.  It's FOR the freedom of choice God gave us when he made us. It's FOR keeping insurance for children of gay parents and for men and women living together who aren't gay, also referred to as common law marriage. Let me explain this further for those of you who have not read up on the issue- many of us haven't until recently, myself included.

Say I lived with Sarah's father still. Thank God I had the guts to get away from his pathetic excuse for a human being self when I did. (Sarah was one, when I finally grew a set. I was encouraged by many friends, but Boyce was with me when we took his things to his parents house and finally said, "SIANARA SUCKA". Thank you Boyce.)We were never married. But we lived together for 3 horrible, long years. Do I sound jaded? I'm not really. I can tolerate him now. Anywho, if I had gotten in a serious car accident, and there was a decision to be made on my health, God forbid, if there was a decision to be made on my life vs pulling a plug, Paul would not have been able to make that decision even though we lived together if this amendment would have been passed. He would also not have been able to have the insurance that he did through my company. When he cut his hand really badly at work he wouldn't have been able to afford health care so he probably wouldn't have gone to the hospital for treatment. If this amendment passes there is a very good possibility that many people who have insurance- including MANY children, under current domestic partnership acknowledgements, could and very most likely will lose their insurance. This is a very real threat to many Americans. The reason that this could happen is like this:

Example: Ameriprise Financial acknowledges domestic partnerships currently. There are many AMPF employees who receive benefits through this acknowledgement. Shareholder #34 doesn't agree with this. He doesn't think it's fair that he is paying for insurance for a couple that is "not married". He decides to sue AMPF for going against the NC Constitution by allowing non-married couples insurance. Therefore, AMPF, nationally will cut all insurance for all domestic partnerships cutting thousands upon thousands of families their benefits. Imagine if that was you and your child has spinibifida. You and your child lose insurance. Now what? She goes to Medicaid? What kind of insurance is that? Is that top of the line care? I doubt it. Don't you want the best for your child? Yes. The answer is always yes if you are normal.

The amount of lawsuits that will spring up from this amendment will be devastating and cause a trickle down effect. This will back up the courts. This will cause loss of productivity. This will cause longer wait times on hold with your insurance company (an insignificant value, but an effect nonetheless). This will cause inflation because so many people will not be able to afford quality health care, and will be looking to Medicaid for support. This will cause taxes to increase. This is devastating to the country. I didn't touch on many other reasons.

This amendment is also discriminatory. It screams, "We don't care about you. You are not worth as much as we are." It's demoralizing, and downright wrong.

There are so many reasons I'm voting against the amendment.

But...one of the main reasons I'm voting against this Amendment is this: I don't believe that GOD himself would vote for this Amendment. I think it's not something that he's pouring over. He is not worried about who loves who. He's probably more concerned about who doesn't love who- and that's what this amendment is about. It's about division. It's judgemental. It's not understanding of others. It's not loving. It's not fair. It's also not fair for the government to decide what marriage should be. I don't want Uncle Sam telling me which church to go to or what Bible to read. I certainly don't want them deciding who should be allowed to be married and who shouldn't.

I love the Lord, and I am voting AGAINST AMENDMENT ONE.

Even if you don't agree with me- you should at least put your two cents in by voting. Stand up for your right to vote.

I anticipate this will have a higher voter turn out than the presidential primaries did. Gay people make up a VERY LARGE portion of society. Don't leave them in the cold. Unmarried couples living together with children make up an even larger portion of society. You most likely know at least one in each category. Do you not care about their rights? Are they not as good as you? Don't be a judge when we both know there is only one real judge.