I emailed Colette Friday, and I regret it.

I am pushy by nature. In my haste, I occasionally find myself thinking back and regretting things I've done, because I wasn't thinking all the way through. It's a bad habit. I am impulsive and brash, even abrasive. But, just as soon as I get out the words that I later regret, I feel bad. I think there are a lot of people who wish they had bigger balls to say the things that they think, but they hold it in for fear of whatever- rejection comes to mind mainly. But I am the opposite, I wish my filter would work more. I wish for it to just kick in on autopilot, and take over control of my mouth sometimes. At any rate, I emailed my birth mother last Friday, in a short-lived (again regretful) fit of impatience. This is what I said:

I apologize for informally emailing, but the thought occurred to me that you might not have received the card I sent you. If you didn’t, I guess you will be wondering who this is.  It doesn’t have to be awkward though. Before you write me off, if that’s your intention, please call Karen G at the CHS in Greensboro. She is very insightful, and helped me to understand a lot and put things in  different perspectives for me. She has been a tremendous help to me. Fridays always pique my interest in you for some reason, and similarly, are the occasional days that I speak with Karen (or email). Being Friday, I thought of you. I have never forgotten you.

I added at the end, Karen's contact info, but for Karen's privacy, I deleted it here. I signed my name, Brooke. And that was that.

I also let Karen know by blind copying her that Colette might be making a voyage call. This was a series of our emails. They are pretty interesting if you ask someone who cares, like myself. Here's the trail:

Hi Brooke –

Just wanted to let you know that I got your blind cc of the email to Colette.  I’m happy to speak with her, if she should call, and I need to let you know that I can’t tell you if she does call me, unless she says it’s okay. 

Do you have any idea what area code she may call from, so that I have little head’s up if she does call?  I’m not in a real office now, and receive calls on a cell, so sometimes I’m out and about when I get a call. 

I understand. I just thought I would let you know. I would think 910. I’m sorry to throw you under the bus like that, but I thought you might add value to the situation and possibly calm her nerves if she is nervous or anxious. You can tell her anything about me.

Not under the bus at all!  Sometimes it helps to have a clearly defined place to lead someone to. 

I never heard anything back. I wonder if she never thought this day would come, that I would be her dirty little secret, that I would live in her shroud forever. I’m trying to stay positive, but email is email. It’s immediate. I know what you’re thinking- that I need to look at it from her perspective. But dang, it’s hard. I’ve been patient, but she’s had 36 years already to prepare. She had to have known. She’s got intuition. We all do. It’s the Holy Spirit.

I wish I had the magic words to make this all work out for both of you.  You’ve put the invitation out there, and done what you could to welcome her.  I just hate it when nobody RSVPs.

Again, we’ve had birth mothers respond two months, six months, a year, two years after being originally contacted.  Shame and guilt are such strong forces.

Keep the faith, Brooke, and not in a wish-upon-a-star way, but in the loving way that brings you both to peace – admittedly, loads harder to practice!  Perhaps you could set the intention to send out the same unconditional loving kindness you need from her.  Maybe making it an active practice – put post-it notes on your computer, set your phone alarm to make a moment, reflect at stop lights.  Sometimes this is hard to do with someone you have conflict with, so it can help to begin to practice with someone or something you feel more positive or neutral about – like a neighbor or a cat – as the focus, and then work toward the target person.  Just an idea, and something active to channel those questions and head-chatter towards.

Hope you have a good day,

Karen

Good ideas. When I really think about it, and not just FEEL about it, I feel deeply concerned for her. I’ve been trying to be led by logic and not emotions in my daily life. It’s hard to remember that all the time. But I think somehow I’m much better off than most when it comes to this particular situation. I have some idea of what she must be feeling- I’m guessing a myriad of emotions are surfacing. Hopefully, she can abandon her feelings of doubt and shame and guilt long enough to see that this can be a good thing, and if not, then I will have to come with grips because I can’t force myself on her.  I would just like to hear something. If even just a “leave me alone”. That way I can start processing the rejection and decide from what I will take from this experience.

Led by logic….led by logic….

You’re awesome still.

Thanks, Karen.

You know, it’s really a sign of grace when I can’t help someone with what they truly want, and that person is still grateful.  Thanks for that.

I feel like you can never get enough feel good stuff in your life. I live for it, and thrive off of it. I hope you do too. Sometimes I get discouraged though, like everyone else does. Hence...

It's Tuesday afternoon. I haven't heard anything yet. I didn't really expect to, which makes me wonder why I even did it. What was I thinking? Did I think i could rush her into a response? I could bully her into responding? I could scare her into submission? Whatever my motivation, whatever it was at 12:01 on Friday 5/18/12 while I was sitting in my cube in the sky, whatever it was that was making my skin crawl when I thought about Colette, caused me again, to feel remorse. 

Time is man-made.  I know it. You know it. And, the amount of time that it takes one person to get over something might be entirely different from the time it takes another to get over the exact same thing. I am thankful for that aspect of time, for the way that God decided it would be a good idea to make us all different as well. It probably helps a lot.

Karen is wonderful. I can't say enough good things about her, and at the end of all the emails that we exchange, mostly when I know it's a last one for a while, I always end by telling her how great she is. Everyone needs to be reminded of their value. Whether it's self-inflicted or otherwise.