I know I said I was going to retire the blog. Yes, this one- the one that I find so reeling when I re-read. I'm almost left speechless at myself when I go back and read it- not because of the content, but of the personal struggle that I've overcome. I use that word loosely here because I wouldn't say I've overcome anything just yet- hence I'm back to writing.
It's been over a month since I dropped the card in the mail. I have yet to hear anything from Colette. Naturally, I have been thinking about all the different ways that she might be feeling right now. I'm thinking in terms of angles. I'm thinking about all the reasons she has to avoid the net. (I'm the net in this instance.) She's swimming against the current at this point, but she's swimming with it at the same time. It's like she's in one of those Endless Pools where you stay in one place but you get the feeling like you are moving at record speeds or practically drowning.
One major obstacle she could be facing includes telling her sons, her brother, whom I was told she hid her pregnancy from for whatever convoluted reason, which makes me think I'm not so sure I would even care to meet someone that scary, her friends, her co-workers, whomever. about me. Telling people is a huge deal. Oh, by the way, I had a baby 36 years ago that I hid from the world and tried to forget about instantaneously. I'm going to meet her for the first time. Gawk. How in the heck does someone respond to that? Oh that's great! Let me know how that turns out for you?!?... I can see that awkwardness forming in the face of a furrowed brow and widened eyes, and lips pursing like they just sucked a lemon. And the red cheeks. You can't forget the red cheeks. Head cocked to the side, with a neck that's as stiff as an arrow is pointed. That look is unmistakable. It's the look of shocking surprise.
The fact of the matter lies here. People don't know how to respond to matters of the heart and their reactions often reflect their lack of awareness. It takes a special person to know how to react and respond in a caring and understanding manner to hearing news that possibly involves pain and suffering of a friend or loved one. That's why we all aren't in caring fields. Many of us just don't know how to react to the pain that others suffer from. We are so used to cowarding to pain, to suppressing it, to running to the bathroom, or crying in our cars that when it's straight in our faces, we don't know how to deal with our onslaught of immediate emotions.We can barely heal ourselves, hardly understand our own anxiety or depressions, and most likely reflecting on pain is not something we are good at in our own lives- much less in the lives of others.
So, in thinking of how amazingly hard it will be for Colette to take the first step in admitting that I am alive and well to herself and to others, I am now realizing that this is a process that will be started in stages and with baby steps- kind of like the house remodel I just went through. OMG. It took me going through that to realize that what Colette will go through will be similar to that. It was pure Hell.
But, we all know that the very first baby step is HUGE. It's monumental. And her first step will be also. I have no doubt in my mind that she has been preparing herself for all the different reactions she will be faced with. Telling people you have a child that they've never known about is not easy. It's just like you see on Maury. I'm sure jaws drop and mouths get covered by nervous hands, eyes bulge, and there are many questions to follow.
This is a process. It's not something quick. It's not a drive through. It's the Morton's of all love. It's the beginning of a highway. And what in the world was I thinking trying to put a halt to this blog? This is only just the beginning. I'd say I've only gone 25% at this point. And it took this long to get this far...
More to come.
It's been over a month since I dropped the card in the mail. I have yet to hear anything from Colette. Naturally, I have been thinking about all the different ways that she might be feeling right now. I'm thinking in terms of angles. I'm thinking about all the reasons she has to avoid the net. (I'm the net in this instance.) She's swimming against the current at this point, but she's swimming with it at the same time. It's like she's in one of those Endless Pools where you stay in one place but you get the feeling like you are moving at record speeds or practically drowning.
One major obstacle she could be facing includes telling her sons, her brother, whom I was told she hid her pregnancy from for whatever convoluted reason, which makes me think I'm not so sure I would even care to meet someone that scary, her friends, her co-workers, whomever. about me. Telling people is a huge deal. Oh, by the way, I had a baby 36 years ago that I hid from the world and tried to forget about instantaneously. I'm going to meet her for the first time. Gawk. How in the heck does someone respond to that? Oh that's great! Let me know how that turns out for you?!?... I can see that awkwardness forming in the face of a furrowed brow and widened eyes, and lips pursing like they just sucked a lemon. And the red cheeks. You can't forget the red cheeks. Head cocked to the side, with a neck that's as stiff as an arrow is pointed. That look is unmistakable. It's the look of shocking surprise.
The fact of the matter lies here. People don't know how to respond to matters of the heart and their reactions often reflect their lack of awareness. It takes a special person to know how to react and respond in a caring and understanding manner to hearing news that possibly involves pain and suffering of a friend or loved one. That's why we all aren't in caring fields. Many of us just don't know how to react to the pain that others suffer from. We are so used to cowarding to pain, to suppressing it, to running to the bathroom, or crying in our cars that when it's straight in our faces, we don't know how to deal with our onslaught of immediate emotions.We can barely heal ourselves, hardly understand our own anxiety or depressions, and most likely reflecting on pain is not something we are good at in our own lives- much less in the lives of others.
So, in thinking of how amazingly hard it will be for Colette to take the first step in admitting that I am alive and well to herself and to others, I am now realizing that this is a process that will be started in stages and with baby steps- kind of like the house remodel I just went through. OMG. It took me going through that to realize that what Colette will go through will be similar to that. It was pure Hell.
But, we all know that the very first baby step is HUGE. It's monumental. And her first step will be also. I have no doubt in my mind that she has been preparing herself for all the different reactions she will be faced with. Telling people you have a child that they've never known about is not easy. It's just like you see on Maury. I'm sure jaws drop and mouths get covered by nervous hands, eyes bulge, and there are many questions to follow.
This is a process. It's not something quick. It's not a drive through. It's the Morton's of all love. It's the beginning of a highway. And what in the world was I thinking trying to put a halt to this blog? This is only just the beginning. I'd say I've only gone 25% at this point. And it took this long to get this far...
More to come.
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