And again, I will forgive the jerk

A particularly rough day is deserving of a little self loathing, a healthy dose of denial, and a heaping mound of forgiveness, but not before an even deeper sea of questions float around in my brain. I'm obviously speaking from personal experience here, and riding on the dirtiest of  coattails that were probably worn by some grey, curly wig wearing, black cloaked, pinky lifted, teensy glasses wearing man from the sixteenth century, who overly anunciated his words, and only spoke with the Queen's English.
I feel like I have to explain my actions, to justify the beginning that for the most part, and unfortunately so, has often ended ugly.
Another try for Paul, has again ended in sorrow. Another chance to redeem himself, lost in translation, clouded mostly by his uncontrolled alcohol consumption, a genetic tragedy that he needs to take care of or it will most assuredly steal his life.
I TRY not to judge people for having addictions. Unless, there is a child involved, and in my case there is, since Paul is my daughter's father. Ouch. I think I just contradicted myself. Ok. I'm human. I don't fault anyone for having an addiction if they truly have remorse for their actions. There, that makes more sense.
I know, that it could just as easily be me on the other end of the stick. I could be that girl sticking a needle in between my toes, smoking a glass dick in the school bathroom, sniffing a bump of coke from a key in the car during lunch. I could be that person.
I  try not to do things that I know could have me by the balls because I know my personality. I'm the fun one, the trouble maker, risky and wild. It could just as easily be me who gets caught up. I know, because I've been caught up before.
Regardless, it makes it easier for me to forgive Paul when he's drunk, and being obnoxious, when he says things about my deceased brother, when he makes desparaging comments about my Mom for no good reason, and somehow, rediculously extracting bits and pieces of untamed arguments from something that I have done.
He comes in and out. Mostly out, but when he is around, I never withhold his love for Sarah. Most people around me don't get that. They think I must be co-dependent. No. I'm not. I know who I am. I know what I stand for. I know when it's time to say, "No."
Sometimes I wonder if it's me that never learns when it comes to matters of the heart- never giving up on people, which can result in being let down by the same person over and over in similar situations. I don't know if I ever want to learn. To know is to be jaded. I think I'll stay just as I am.
I'm left in a moral dilleama, never fully sure if I'm being naive, or just being nice, forgiving to a fault. I seem to find myself in these same predicaments with the same people repeatedly. I know you're thinking, why in the world doesn't she learn from her mistakes? People are people. They don't change.
That is not true.
We all change. We have different seasons of our lives that enable us to move in different directions. Some people don't want to change their ways. That's unfortunate. They guard themselves. They build walls.
I guess I just think everyone needs a get out of jail free card. Some of us more than others, but nevertheless, we are all guilty of making mistakes. We all do things we regret, we're sorry for later, and we sometimes wish we could take back. The sad truth is that we can't. But what we can do, is being cogniscent of eachother.
We can be forgiving. We can start over and over and over. Yeah, it will hurt sometimes. Yeah, it migh rip a few protective barriers, but it's the least we can do for one another.
I will probably give Sarah's father try after try, chance after chance to prove himself, to make good of his screw ups. I will not give him full access to my heart, but I will leave the key under the mat for him now and then.  I will let him love Sarah and let him back in her life when he begs and barters, and brings over an insane amount of precut Christmas cookies that fill up my fridge. He can make an excuse as to why he hasn't paid any child support. He can say the check is in the mail, that he has another job offer, that is probably in truth,  non-existant.
I will never be physically attracted to him again in any form or fashion romantically or otherwise, but I will recognize that under that rough, unshaven, occasionally dirty exterior, there is a soft soul dying to be fed and loved. Somehow people don't get that. I have had to explain on more than a few occasions that there is no romantic attraction any longer on my end. None. Honestly, I don't recall there ever being any. I'm sorry to even put those thoughts to words, and embarassed  a little too.
I will forgive Paul. I will do this because I know there have been times in my life that I needed another chance. There have been times in my life I didn't deserve another chance- things I did to my parents that weren't worthy of forgiveness.
That's unconditional love, and correct me if I'm wrong, but God commands it.
I will probably be hurt more, probably be let down, but not before a fighting chance has been offered first.
Very few people in this world understand what true forgiveness is, and even fewer people practice it in their daily lives, and can honestly say they forgive, and without holding a slight grudge.
Maybe that's why I stay happy. I don't know if there's a direct coorelation. But I know that if I walk around hating people I will not be happy.
So, I will give hundreds of chances to people who probably don't deserve them. I will be hurt many more times, but at least I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I can forgive. And that makes me a stronger person.
If you don't understand that, maybe you should try to forgive someone today that you never thought you could. And I will again, forgive Paul for acting like a total ass tonight.