8/15/11 And I need to write the letter, but...

If you know me, you know me. In other words, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and things don't bother me like they do some people. Sure, I get worried, occasionally upset about things that are ultimately out of my control, which aggravates me to no end because I know it's pointless. Axl Rose said it best, "worry is a waste of time." Actually, I think God said it first, and he borrowed the idea, which is fine, because it's something good that was spread through something not quite as respectable- Guns N Roses. God has his ways doesn't he? He makes beauty of demise and pours grace into the nastiest of all cesspools.
I had Axl Rose plastered all over my bedroom walls growing up, right beside Kirk Cameron- polar opposites today, most likely then too.
I heard the best quote today. Herman Melville said with great candor, "It is better to fail at originality, than to succeed at immitation."
Anyway, my point is, which has taken me ultra long to get to, is this: I have been putting off what I need to do. I have been craving this moment all of my life, yes occasional confrontations with truth and pain have been a part of my life growing up. But really? Hasn't everyone been through the ringer a few times, and lived to tell about it? We all experience bewilderment, self-destruction accompanied and nourished by poor decision making, self-loathing, and self-unawareness, ultimately denial.
These feelings that have sprung up from this whole adoption composium of sorts have left me feeling quite objective actually. Perspective, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. And for once in my life, I think I have the right perspective. Be it maturity, understanding on deeper level, exact realization that other people exist and have feelings just as I do- whatever it may be- I see the importance of others who contribute to my situation. Rose colored glasses are a thing of the past, and love for others is not a dying breed of character. Expressing your feelings is important, but not as important as respecting the feelings of others.
These are things that matter most.
So in this quest to find a completeness, of which I may or may not be lucky enough to find, I will maintain the thought that my birthmother might not be willing to meet me. And so it will be. And so I will go on, as I have been going on for all of my life. Living with abandon, loving with longevity, and looking for beauty in everything small, making it huge. It's in the details. I told a good friend today just that. It's in the details.